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Desktop Confessional


Saturday, May 31, 2008

That's how I feel sometimes.

I mask it pretty well most of the time, reminding myself that I am so fabulosity (too much Kimora Lee Simmons!). If I'm being honest with myself, I have a great life. I've got wonderful friends, an awesome boyfriend, I like my job, I've met so many different people, been to so many different things, traveled for work ... I have a life. Not bragging, just stating what I truly feel - I am a happy person. I've so much to be thankful for.

But I'm also very, very young, naive, idealistic, insecure and sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing. People always think I've got things under control, that I'm oh-so-great for doing so much so fast but oh my god, it's so overwhelming sometimes. I'm scrambling in the dark most times, just HOPING that my instincts will help guide me.

And of course sometimes it backfires. Sometimes I'm in way over my head. And doing what I do, where you put a part of yourself out to the world in everything you do, you're bound to get criticism, haters, pessimists. I can deal with most of it, but it just gets to me sometimes. Maybe I'm not talented enough, maybe I'm not good enough. And the sad part is that this stems for wanting to be great, wanting to do better and when it doesn't work out, it's just ... sigh, hard to deal with. Perhaps you're nothing more than ordinary.

I don't want to be ordinary.

It has been a rough two weeks. And it's obvious from this post that it has taken its toll on me. I'm still dwelling on it right now, but hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and feel less sorry for myself (it's pathetic).

I'm reviewing the new Mates of State album (recommended) and the opener "Get Better" just makes a lot more sense now. Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better. Walau, my emoness is making me ill.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:

    Ah, I feel for you, kiddo. Been in that situation more times than you can imagine. Still do sometimes. Self-doubt, the big picture, making sense of what you do in your job--can't let things overwhelm you. just take one day at a time, one issue at a time and pick yourself up. don't push all the panic buttons at one time.

    Now, if i should only listen to my own advice.

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