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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Rain in my head.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It is raining ... again. Now everytime I hear thunder, I unplug my cables, my wires, my computer and my TV + ASTRO because I am so afraid that there'll be another thunderstorm and just massively kill my tools of survival (read above) with one bolt of lightning and I will be left with a void. I'm kinda not a "back to nature" sorta girl. Actually, not at all that sorta girl.

The thing with rain though is that it makes me feel really safe, especially when I'm at home. Like right now, I'm in my brother's room because the PC is here, and there's no one else at home. The boy fell right into bed after college with his glasses on because he was that tired. There's a warm yellow glow from the tablelight, and I made hot English tea with sugar. Seriously- it is warm and fuzzy TM.

Other things though, are not so warm and fuzzy. College is getting hectic as we head toward the last three weeks. Last weeks are famous for driving students up the wall. The funny thing is that for a semester that cost the most of all semesters, it's going to be over in 3 weeks. Like WHAT? I paid RMX,XXX for how many weeks? I tell you, education is expensive.

And right now, money is tight like spandex. Its almost suffocating to think about money, or the lack of it. Sometimes its easy to shut off all the worries, but that doesn't change the fact that it exists does it? Whoever said money was not important, why don't you and I be friends and you can loan me some?

Matters with my father is just ... disappointing. I envy any of you who have great relationships with your parent(s). It must be comforting to know that no matter what, you have someone who'll back you up and do what s/he has to do. I won't pretend that I've ever gotten along great with my dad, in fact our relationship has always been one of the most stressful things in my life. But it seems like its reached brand new heights over the weekend, and I think he feels it too because he went South yesterday. Silver lining? The house has never been more peaceful.

I feel like I am walking into this world of unsurmountable anxiety and doubt, and it breaks my spirit sometimes. No matter how much I tell myself that all this will make me stronger, it feels like I can't do it. Being "strong" is so draining.

I know I am lucky, however, despite circumstances because the other areas in my life are going so wonderfully. Its a vivid contrast. I've got my very own support system, and when I am around these people ... for a little while at least, I forget. Temporary amnesia is rejuvenating.

I don't feel like a void exists.

Blogging is my therapy: I feel okay now having written it down. I originally wanted to write about the leaky faucet in the kitchen. Its drip-drop-drip is annoying the hell out of me. Need help to fix faucet, HOW? Don't ask me to call plumber pls, I could've thought of that muhself! You can de-rain my head ... or at least the kitchen.

//Mazzy Star - Into Dust

"I could possibly be fading ... or have something more to gain"

  1. Blogger FIR said:

    A chance visitor passing by. Nice blog ;-) Sure to return sometimes

  1. Blogger Vad3r said:

    I too find it peaceful when it rains (minus the thunder of cuz). Just enjoy the tranquil.

    Haha, what about a plumber in the form of Brad Pitt :P

  1. Blogger Lee Lee said:

    Hang in there. Relationships with parents are always tough. When things are tough, i always think back to what one wise fish said, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" :)

  1. Blogger cyber-red said:

    mazzy star is my prozac... after damien, buckley, magic numbers, etc... lol

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