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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

In rememberance.

Saturday, October 30, 2004
2:31 PM

I absolutely love rainy Saturday mornings/afternoons. No matter how I try, I can never get out of bed when I want to; sleep just comes so easily. The sound of the rain is so comforting, and being inside when the rest of Subang Jaya is being drenched makes you want to count your blessings. And because of my white curtains, light usually streams in obscenely bright in the morning (genius of mother, knows that too much light will eventually wake me up). But with rainy morns/noons, it's gloomy and dark; just perfect for hibernating and cuddling under your comforter.

But I did eventually wake up at 2pm, and 10 minutes later, I'm in front of my computer. I haven't brushed my teeth or washed up yet, but it feels like I could care less about that right now. It's a beautiful dark day, and I'm gonna enjoy being a slob as long as I can. However, slobdom will have to be cut short as I'll have to leave for Seremban in about 2 hours.

It's approaching All Saints Day in the Catholic world, and every year we make a pilgrimage south to my dad's hometown, Land of Char Siew Paus. My grandmother never fails to give us a call when November approaches. At 81, she's got tremendous memory and energy. She gets everything done: she makes sure the flowers are there, the candles are enough and the family members are present. Sometimes I wonder how the family will continue to stick together when she (touchwood) is gone. It's a morbid thought, but one that never really escapes my mind. My grandmother was very sick earlier this year, and I struggled with the possibility of losing her.

The annual journey to Seremban during All Saints Day is in memory of my grandfather, my dad's dad. I never knew him as he died 7 months before I was born. He was, according to my relatives, the easy going one to my grandma's nagging, domineering personality. Sometimes as I stand there in the graveyard, with my relatives reciting prayers from the Rosary, I often stare at his picture and wonder how it would be like if he had lived long enough for me to have seen him. He could have been my Favourite, as I am not particularly close to any of my grandparents. He could have been a lot of things which I would never find out.

It's Halloween tomorrow people, another synonym for All Saints Day. Have fun with your costumes and don't forget to say a little something for those that have lived and past with the years.

Growing up in time of cholera.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004
11:52 AM

Well not really, no cholera here. Just thought of Serendipity and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and Friendster. I just got added by someone whom I have not seen in a long, long while. I was never really close to him so I'm surprised that he even remembers my last name to be able to add me.

On the occasions when I do go Friendster browsing, I often leave my computer feeling really perplexed and in disbelief. When I chance upon an account from someone (anyone, really) I knew in primary school or secondary school, it's really fun to see how much they've grown up and how different they are. Of course there are some who never change. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

In the duration between friends/classmates and long-lost, somehow familiar face, these people have probably gone through experiences that most people my age have been through in the process of growing up. Yet, although it is easy for me to make sweeping generalizations like that, I can't honestly say I can imagine them going through such experiences. That sounds a bit strange I know, like "what, you think people are still little kids?!". That wasn't what I meant. I suppose when you've lost contact with people who were once acquaintances, these people seem to stick in your mind in the way you last saw them. I guess because of the disconnection after primary school or secondary school ends, all you have of them are just memories and recollections from all the things you guys did together in the past, all the good times. And you can't really imagine anything after those periods.

I wonder though when I look at their pictures ..
How's your life been since Standard 6? Do you remember Encik __ who used to scream from the class below? So tell me about all the guys/girls you've dated. Have you had sex? HAHA remember when we want nothing to do with the opposite sex?! Ever been in a car accident with you behind the wheel? OMG you look so HAWT- I would so hit that now! (Ahem.)

Someone needs to organize this huge Friendster gathering. I feel like my curiousity needs to be satisfied. Either that or I need a Vanilla Coke. Which I will get soon since I am GOING OUT!

(That's right, 3 days stuck at home is fcking torture.)

How to be happy.

Sunday, October 24, 2004
1:14 PM

"The great essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for."
Joseph Addison

Something To Do

1) Learn to fcking drive. I have had my license for over a year, and my brother has had his for like, a month! And he's zipping all over the place. Last night, he picked me and my friends up from the KTM station. Oh, the humiliation! (FYI, my parents are petrified of me driving even AFTER I passed my exam. Good god la, that's why they're called EXAMS! To prove that you know your stuff!)

2) My room needs some desperate spring cleaning. It's got my notes all over the floor. I left them there for convenient reach in the middle of the nights where I freak out and start forgetting what origins of prejudice were. My final final exams for my diploma ended Friday.



Should I throw all my notes away? It feels kinda sad doing so.

Something To Love

1) Not having to wake up at 6.30 AM until indefinitely.

2) The oppurtunity and time to catch up with TV and a hell lot of DVDs.

3) Upcoming Penang-Langkawi trip with my best girls.

4) And best of all, I have someone to love as well.

Something To Hope For

1) The arrival of my PC. ETA is still unclear which frustrates me. My dad as usual is taking his own sweet time with it. You have no idea how much this ANNOYS me.

2) That everything works out. It's a little cryptic but I'm not keen on elaborating on it.

3) That I get the Best Journalism Student title at the award ceremony on Nov 6. I don't really care about the award, honest to god. What I really care about is PROVING to my parents that I'm not as lost, or as clueless as they think I am. I know what I'm doing, although it might not seem like I do sometimes. I take care of my own problems, and I no longer expect them to solve them for me. I really want them to see that I'm not their one-dimensional daughter that they see at home. I have built my own life outside the house- I have my friends, I have my achievements and very soon, I will have my diploma on paper. I guess I just want them to start letting me go from their protectiveness .. and just allow me to be more adult, and make my own decisions in life. I might go wrong, but if I don't, how will I ever learn?

Tune-Out TV.

Thursday, October 14, 2004
11:31 PM

So I wrote myself a mantra today:
"I will not blog until chapter 6 is done. I will not blog until chapter 6 is done. I will not blog until chapter 6 is done. I will not will not will not will not blog."

Chapter 6 (Prejudice: Its Causes, Effects & Cures) is not done. Yes, the studying is going on SPLENDIDLY, thank you for asking. :|

Sometimes I feel that the impact of it being my final final exams have yet to hit me. The importance of it is still being played around with, and I study along sloooooowly without feeling much. I should be scared! I should be shivering in me boots!

But, la la la. Social Psych? TV? Social Psych? TV? In the end, you'll find me reaching for the remote ..

.. Which is something I haven't done in a long time, watching TV that is. I do make it a habit to catch some programs, like Malaysian Idol and Amazing Race but since the two have dieded temporarily .. TV has become a wasteland and channel surfing such a BORE. (Gasp yes bore.)

I never did recover from the few weeks of missed CSI due to work and things, and now I am so freaking lost it's not even funny. I don't even know if the CSIs they're showing on AXN are currently reruns or new episodes. Either way, I miss Grissom and good god does Horatio look pasty. I wonder how Gary Sinese is doing on CSI:NY. Haven't heard very favourable reviews regarding NY but hey it's dead bodies and forensic science- I'm still intrigued.

As for MTV, I caught a wee bit of it in the evening. Usher makes my skin crawl. How does one guy sell so many albums, when the said album is generally a confession to his ex-girl about how he cheated on her with a fan and now the fan is pregnant? ANDDD.. what is UP with the constant lifting up of singlet and/or removing said singlet and throwing it across floor? Jeezus la, stop being such an exhibitionist! We know you have an amazing set of abs!!

(I do admit of course Burn and Yeah were pretty damn good, the former being somewhat close to heart. HEEE (GRIN). )



Now if Usher were to join us legions of camwhores ..


I do believe I'm ranting.
Wise words of the day would be : Don't Hate the Player; Hate the Game.

KL in my blood.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004
5:43 PM

One of the best memories I have of being 18:
Sitting in Yi Wen's car, the clock approaching midnight. Driving in the heart of KL, admiring the lights that lit up the city, and having one of those conversations that make everything look so beautiful and life so sweet.



When I came home I wrote a little something to remember the day:

2.53 am, 26/11 2003

driving on the federal
streetlights guiding the way
signboards pass in flurry of green
kl seems so different from the day.
good music on the radio
better conversation going on
laughter comes and never leaves
a deeper friendship is being born.
we take the long way back
skip every shortcut and drive too slow
anything to prolong this moment of youth
to savour the hours were magic seems to flow.
but the road does not go on and on
and moments become time that have passed
but the ghosts of them linger
and forever they remain
vivid recollections that lasts. and lasts.

It's no wonder I stopped writing them.

Bovril!


2:25 PM

I had Bovril soup for lunch! And it was oh-so good and strangely, filling.
Ah. The soup of my childhood.

I'm looking for the cough medicine of my childhood. I forget what its called- something pei pah ko? Sorry, am hopeless banana so I don't even know what those 3 words mean.

Black syrupy cough medicine, with a picture of a grandma and grandkid on the label. I'd recognize it if I see it, but I haven't. Woe.

I love pulp in my orange juices. I like to believe it makes the drink healthier.

Realize that I don't study well without a highlighter. It's conditioning thing, I suppose. Use highlighter to study more often, the more you associated highlighting as an effective studying method. And currently, all my highlighters have ran out of ink (?) so it's basically, in one ear out the other.

Back to futile studying. Cheers.

No water.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004
8:40 PM

Oh good lord la!!

The water pump in the bathrooms upstairs have gone all wonky!
Sometimes there's a healthy gush coming out of the showerhead, and sometimes there is NONE. NO WATER at all coming out from the head.

There have been many a-times my brother and my dad has come out of the shower with a headful of shampoo and accused me of turning off the pump, as a prank.

Prank, peh. Like I would bother to amuse them so.

But right now, I'm sitting in my towel, blogging for the 2nd time in 20 minutes because THERE IS NO WATER IN MY BATHROOM.

WTF.

Taking a shower in my house is now a privilege.

Let there be light.


8:02 PM


Lantern @ Khoo Kongsi, Penang


These days, I find it difficult to be very happy about one thing for an extended period of time. Things that make me happy, are typically just a temporary, passing thing. I know when it starts, and I can predict when it'll go away. And I hang on to every single thread that it leaves while its passing, because I want to savour the moment while its still here, and while it still is my Present. The Past is hopeless to dwell upon, and memories of it makes it an even bitter pill to swallow.

I've been too contemplative today for my own good. I'm trying to straighten out the mess in my mind by typing it out, but so far today's post hasn't been my easiest work. There's so much to say, yet so much more that I'm afraid of revealing. Trying to keep within my limits is so difficult, when this blog becomes so personal to me that I feel such an urge to pour everything out. Sometimes I feel like I should pull a meesh and keep my whereabouts a secret. And just let it all come out, in all its heinous honesty.

This morning, I got dressed thinking that I could just go for that one replacement Econs class, and then come home. Instead, I came to college and was greeted by some surprising news. In a sense, it was good news but on the other hand, it makes things complicated for the parties involved. It's a dangerous mix of conflicting emotions- you can't have those moments of joy without the questions and confusion that will surely come later.

Relationships scare the hell out of me, and I can safely assume that they scare my group of friends. As you grow older, relationships become more than just going out and holding hands. It's not as easy as, "Can you be my girlfriend?" and a positive answer later, you guys are a couple. Relationships are so grey now- neither yes or no. It used to be nice game of playing it cool, or playing hard to get- now honesty is what you live for. It's so ... out of the box now, that it's scary. I sometimes lie in bed after tossing and turning, thinking about the situation I am in, and scare the shit out of myself with the possibilities of it going all wrong.

I suppose that's why having courage is so essential in everything you do. From going for your dream, to something as seemingly trivial as relationships .. you have to be brave in making a decision, and having optimisim that it'll turn out okay. I don't know why people (girls, especially) are belittled and ridiculed for having a preoccupation with their relationships, because HELL, relationships are the hardest things in the world. You can't just worry about yourself, you have to take care of the other person as well. A two way street, as they say. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, what they don't always say. ;)

Typing out this post has been difficult, and I fear that by doing so I've somehow let on about how vulnerable I feel at times regarding life and love. It's scary, this side of me, I know and I intentionally keep it hidden away because I fear people thinking I'm this stupid 19 year old with a complex and insecurities. I am that to a certain extent, but no worries- I handle it well and am able to function in social events involving normal people. :p

As for my favourite girls- you know we're all interdependant on each other. It's a beautiful symbiosis, what we have. Things are fcking confusing right now, we all know, but we have each other. We'll bitch, and make jokes, and be all ourselves about it, and it won't seem too bad. It seems like we're all grasping in the dark for an answer now, but a higher power will slowly shine some light upon us. <333333

There's no such thing as a break.

Monday, October 11, 2004
3:21 PM

I wonder why Subang Jaya is so annoyingly hot and glaring, where else Penang was the total opposite? What I would have gave up to have this weather when I was there.. hmpf.
There's always a next time I suppose, and the next time I will walk in the rain around Batu Feringghi/Botanical Gardens if I have to! Mother Nature- grrr. Stupid monsoon seasons, grrr.

Well. At least I ate a lot, mwhaha. From an RM6 plate of char kway teow (ridiculously priced but damn it was good), to dimsum at 10pm .. eating made up half the time I spent on the island. The other half was spent sleeping, hanging out in the room, watching back-to-back episodes of The Amazing Race and Survivor (John K, yum) and checking out Penang malls. It was not the shopaholic in me talking- I swear. I didn't bring enough clothes and I needed to go to a mall and get a top. Any top.

Heh. See, I was/am an overpacker. On my one night trip to Genting early in September, I packed more clothes than I did for the 3 night stay in Penang. I am TRYING to pack light, but as you can see, it has backfired on me. Wearing the same black top three times in a row is not fun, and definitely not friendly to the nose.

I live in a shroud of paranoia that I will run out of clean underwear on a holiday, and there are absolutely no shops around. What's worse is when I have my period on a holiday. Jeezus, enough underwear to last a month. I throw every single thing in. No way am I going to risk having no underwear during such crucial periods!

Oh what a bad pun, apologies.

The fact that there's no class on Monday is failing to cheer me up. I feel so blah, lethargic and my mind is lagging. It takes a second too long to register a joke, or a comment. Also, I got to get started on some Marketing essays for I will be dead if I don't.

I just want to lie under the covers, read some trashy novel and eat something sweet. Unfortunately, today is Monday and predictably: I have assignments; trashy novel is really a dramatic melancholic piece of work (Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold) and there is nothing sweet in my house.

Except cinnamon Dunkin Donuts which tastes like crap.
And Christopher Reeves is dead, my favourite Clark Kent is dead. *tear*

Monday Moodiness strikes you even on a break! Why!

Clearing the tumbleweeds, and so much more.

Sunday, October 10, 2004
9:47 PM

Dear Lord la. I haven't updated this blog in ages. Every time I open up my Dashboard, and click the icon to post something new - my mind blanks. Truthfully, there's been too many things going on in my life these past weeks. College, events, crying sessions, and a holiday - there's so much to talk about.

But forget all that. Let me proudly say that my FINAL SEMESTER in chase of a diploma is OVER! Well technically we still have our exams on the 18th, but other than that- it's all been done. Every assignment have been passed up, every presentation has been er, presented.

Speaking of presentations, we had a major one last Wednesday. Earlier in the semester, we were told to come up with a magazine. This wasn't just any assignment, oh no. If all goes well, my lecturer was going to push it for actual publication. Naturally, we were excited at the thought of being such young editors, but at the same time, felt like we were going to wet our pants the whole time. The presentation for the magazine was in front of all the Mass Comm greats of Taylor's, namely the old program director, the new program director and some pretty powerful people la.

While the VIPs leaned back on their cushiony seats, we of The Budget (name of mag) were hunching forward with clammy, cold fingers. It didn't help that earlier in the day we received some horrific news regarding one of our assignments that left us in tears. It was hard controlling and keeping everything in. One minute you're nervous but excited about the magazine unveiling, and the next you think about that assignment that puts EVERYTHING you worked for in the past 4 semesters in jeopardy.

(Sigh, it stings still to even remember what happened.)

As I was introduced by Meesh (my bitchy ed from hell ;)), I dragged along the storyboard that Regina and I worked on to centerstage. The storyboard was supposed to be a representation of our magazine's progress, from conception til now. It was littered with unedited articles, and some photos that were taken during editorial meetings, prom and assignments. It was in a sense, our hard work on a softboard.

My speech I thought, was pretty embarassing because it didn't hide exactly how proud I was of The Budget. I er, kinda let it all out. Just explaining about the significance of the photos chosen made me think back about the semester that was just about to end.

It's been a crazy 3-4 months. I think when they say your college days are the best days of your life- my final semester was what they were talking about. The amount of shit that happened, the tiny accomplishments which make everything worth it. The stupid inside jokes, and hectic rush to get everything checked on your TO-DO or DIE LIST.

My group of friends- love you guys. It amazes me how 6 girls who never knew each other existed until 2003 could in less than a year, forge such an incredible bond. I <3 y'all! Those going off to Australia had better buy us Malaysian kids something nice. And come back often for we will miss you.

Anyway here are some pictures, before I get all emo. *blubbers*


at meesh's 21st!: june, me and may lyn
happy hats!: standing: me, meesh sitting: june, angie, cheryl

promenade


absolute classic

WAHAHA, FRIEDSHIP TRAIN! Cheesy overload but hey, it's the 6 of us looking our happiest :D


Oh and did I mention I just got back from Penang? More on that later.
And also, that I started this post at 8pm and it's almost 10pm now?
Blogger's block, beware.