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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Photolog>>I've got 7000 words, and more.

Saturday, July 31, 2004
2:35 AM

I like photos. It means I don't have to write much.
And really, I did the math. There's more than 7000 words here.



So, yes, my Friday night was spent listening to some damn good music over at KL Plaza's Starbucks. Was there to support my friend (read poetry) and my lecturer (sang songs). Shelley Leong and Sevencollar Tshirt were pretty great as well, esp Shelley Leong. My god, that woman has the most AMAZING songs. So, gonna get her album when I have some cash to my name.

Enough of words, on to some pics. Pics aren't so great. What to do, no flash and 1.3 megapixels geez! Good thing is my dad got himself a SLR today and therefore, I inherit his Nikon Finepix! WEE!

Ok, roll call:

Lyn & Josh


Krystle, Josh, and Meesh. Josh remarked that he looks like he's wearing heels. Well, it's not our fault that you're so blimming tall! (Which is loooovely; your height I mean <3)


Meesh, myself and Nabila (read poetry!)


All in all, I have to say tonight's performances were really good. Maybe it's because of the weather: it just rained and everything was breezy and comfortably cool. Maybe it's because I was surrounded by good friends. Maybe it's because I had coffee instead of Raspbery Frappucino. One thing's for sure, the music was certainly good.
I could be a little bit more descriptive yeah, but I'm already doing that in class and I'm lazy to do it now.


Azmyl and his baby- "The Photocopy Album". Full of folky goodness.

It was already 10pm when we all realized that we were dead hungry. So we left Starbucks and all its overpriced sandwiches for some good ol' hawker at Jalan Alor. God we were singing in the streets and everyone was looking. AAH but such fun! I love Friday nights in KL! The lights are beautiful. This reminded me of Times Square in NYC, which I SO WANT TO GO.


Dessert: gelato. This pic brings the word 'temptation' to mind. See no touch, touch no see.
Wanting but not having.
But I screwed temptation over and had a Carribean Mix.


And,

A brave new world- it's all around. You're walking to fast- to be able to see it. Your wings are too small- to get of the ground. Truth is too close- for you to believe in.

Brave New World, Kings of Convenience



Such good stuff.
That's it.

Photolog>>Big (Tues)Day Out.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004
12:51 AM

I had such a wunnerful Tuesday! And I have pictures to prove it.
Well it was wunnerful because normally my Tuesdays are classes, home, sleep. But today there was some variation, therefore, wunnerful.


Most of my days start out at this mamak on campus. Well, technically this shot was taken during lunch but don't be so anal la! Hmph.

And these are the some of my breakfast kakis, and lunch. And some in between snacking buddies.

Meesh

Lyn and Ash

Regina and Matt

Regina again and Melissa.

(This is why Mass Comm is so cool. Girls, girls, girls. :p)
I didn't get to attack the rest of the group with my camera. SIGH! Must be more aggresive and papparazi-like. Oh but let's not forget Josh! (and me, blah look at eyebags)

It was his birthday today! Big 20.




After class, we had to rush here for a meeting. I'm going up to Genting next week to work behind the scenes for a concert, woohoo. Free food, free accomodation, free holiday.


This was lunch, around 3pm-ish. We had cake again, *groan*. After which, me and Lyn went off to do some window shopping for a busy weekend (yay, social life) and my program's dinner and dance. I have no date, har har. Top from Zara, was nice but hated that it was so long and babydoll-ish.
(PIC REMOVED!! Bleks haha. Sorry looked at it and confirmed by Cris that its way too low cut to show. I'm shy la k!)

And, finally: dinner. Sushi King, twas good.


Thus ended my day. Will be back Friday for pics from another session at KLue's Chillout Series, Starbucks KL Plaza, 8 pm. Come!

Points of Friday past.

Saturday, July 24, 2004
1:24 AM

Got out of Marketing to find my friends having a crying session.
Wanted to stay for 5 minutes, but ended up blowing Academic Writing to sit and talk about everything and anything. Girly bonding, so amazing.
We decided that after such revelations and emotions have been revealed, the only thing left to do was eat.
And we ate our afternoon away at TGIF, with Josh being the only male. You all must feel for the guy's position. It's not easy being surrounded by girls who are at that moment, SO very in touch with their emotions, more so than ever.
We went from teary, to singing and dancing out loud to Madonna's "Like A Virgin" and other 80s goodies.
It was just TOO fun. And the food was TOO good.
I rushed home to get ready for KLue's Chillout Series at Midvalley.
It was really, really good. Nothing's better than acoustic music. Just music in its purest, rawest form.
I got to meet Pete Teo who is a really nice guy. No pretentiousness at all. He gave us some prepaid cards so we can download music legally from Music Canteen.
Met a whole bunch of very interesting people there. Am looking forward to see more of their performances.
Came home at midnight like Cinderella after circling around Bangsar for parking. Dad complained that hair smelled of ciggarettes.
Cleaned up, came online, didn't feel like talking cos 2 of the people I look forward to most in IM conversations have both gone on holidays! I want a holiday too!
Saw durian cake in the fridge, devoured it. First time eating it and I must say, won't be my last.

Thinking of going to Fusion's Day Out in Hartmas on Sunday but where the heck is JamAsia Bistro anyway? Or Plaza Crystalville for the matter.
Lead singer of Disagree very cute.
Yeah, that wasn't necessary but he's cute.
Here we are foreign to their world
Straight and composed, your sermons I can do without
And I finally found that everybody loves to love you
When you're far away

Better Than Ezra (so good!), At The Stars

Alcohol and honesty.

Thursday, July 22, 2004
7:10 PM

Do you know what, to me, is a wretched existence?

I watched Evanescence's video, Everybody's Fool, with a weird sense of facsination. Wasn't paying too much attention to the music, but just the concept of the video itself was.. disturbing. In the video, Amy Lee (lead singer) is this famous actress/model who appears in all these ads on TV, billboards. And from the outside, she seems like she has everything, but we get scenes from how she is when she's alone. And it's just horrible. It was typical to a sense. Empty room, empty bottles. She's just laying there and her makeup is running and she looks messed up. She goes to the mirror, and grabs hold of the sink and I guess, grab hold of herself because she starts grinning.. and it's this deranged grin. Then, there are images of her appearing in ads on TV just being this hyper, smiley, insanely happy person when inside, she is the total opposite.

That is THE most wretched existence. Where everything is fake.

The video freaked me out a little because I can see that happening, for real. I mean to a certain extent, we're all putting up appearances to the world, although it probably wasn't as dramatic as it was in the video. I can't think of the amount of times I wanted to fck the world off and be properly sad without the fear of sounding, looking and being pathetic, or caring what anyone else thought.

Can we be honest? Ever? Just complete honesty. Say what we want, do what we want and mean it. Acceptance is so essential to every single one of us, and I guess most of us fear that Ourselves are just too much for other people to bear.

Come to think of it. Who are WE really? I find it hard to define Myself already.

+++++++
I don't know why there are such long, boring campaigns to help curb underaged drinking, or to lessen our consumption of alcohol in general. Threre's no need for elaborate explanations of what alcohol does to your liver. There isn't even a need for the BEFORE and AFTER visuals of the poor liver. Just have them alcoholics look at these pictures. Here's an example (nicked from Cris):



I gurantee that it'll turn you off booze for a while.

(Oh yes, and Jase- you better look at them before you head off to Redang to get sloshed!)

"Look for the girl with the broken smile"

Tuesday, July 20, 2004
5:22 PM

I hate it when lecturers put too much expectations on you. Like, you're this good student: gets the grades, participates in class discussions and is never late with assignments. And then one day you act irresponsibly in class, and they jump straight down your throat. It's hardly fair. We're sorry for what we did but we're not bloody goody-two-shoes students all the time. Take for example, my friend didn't do too great for a quiz yesterday and she usually does amazingly. It's hardly motivating to have the lecturer tell you, "I expected more from you." Come on! It's only a quiz! And 18 over 25 isn't a pathetic mark, is it? Cut her some slack!
 
As you can probably tell, the morning didn't go too well. Not only did we kena-ed in Social Pysch, we walk into Feature Writing to find Natasha in a foul mood because the allocation of classes were screwed up. Class was unusually silent for the next hour because we were all treading carefully around her, fearing that we'll somehow piss her off some more with our endless whining about how we think our writing SUCK.
 
++++++++
The lesson I learnt early this morning: organize your wardrobe! You know how we always say that you've absolutely NOTHING to wear, and have this NEED to go shopping? Well don't! Save money, and go look in the mess that is your wardrobe. Like what I did today. Sick of wearing the things I normally wore, I rummaged around and managed to find this top with red and black stripes. I haven't worn it since Semester 1 because I thought the horizontal stripes made me look like a house but wah. It looked pretty nice today and has now become my favourite top at the moment. Oh ya and I conveniently had earrings that had the EXACT same red and black stripes. The common reaction I got today was, "EEEH.. your earrings are the same as your top!". Well yes my dears, it is but I swear I didn't buy them as a package or anything. So.. today, I either looked really cool.... or really lame. Nevermind.
 
++++++++
And I got mail today! REAL mail, all the way from Penang! My god I haven't had snail mail in such a long time, that I got quite excited to see my name on an envelope that didn't have my college's logo. Anyway, snail mail was courtesy of Jase, whose blog you HAVE to visit because, Jase is like, the coolest metrosexual you'll ever meet (:D).
 
So anyway, inside the envelope was a collection of 10 burned CDs, and a Microsoft Update CD (eh?).  Oh so happy. Have a collection of Maroon 5's acoustic songs (excellent), and Jewel, Alanis, to name a few. Going to put Maroon 5 on and go to sleep. Nevermind the fact that I have yet another essay to be written and handed in tomorrow. I mean.. what else is new? It seems like I write an article everyday now. Time for some acoustica.
 

Everybody's got a hold on hope.


12:15 PM

The light at the end of the tunnel? I don't want to believe that it is one of an oncoming train.
 
I don't want to be cynical anymore about Certain Things. Meesh says that those who look down upon, or sneer at Certain Things, do not deserve Certain Things. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want, no compromises.
 
I don't want to think that I am a pointless writer, who rambles on about nothing, trying so hard to turn it into something. I want to make sense, formulate striking opinions and write thought-provokingly. Hah. Good luck on that. Look what I'm doing now- rambling.
 
I don't want to plan my life anymore. All my plans seem to have a knack for falling apart on me, leaving me to rebuild everything once again. This time, I won't plan. People might say I am procrastinating, but as far as I can remember, procrastination never did me any harm. It's the planning-the building of expectations, the anticipation.. only to be disappointed at a last minute twist. That hurts the most.
 
I don't want to think the world owes me a favour.  So stop whining, Sarah.
 
I don't want to be what everyone thinks I am. I'm not who everyone thinks I am.
 
At times, I'm really afraid to be myself. 
 
But this is a post of hope, so smile everyone. :D
  
(Post inspired by and dedicated to Stress. Comes in form of college, assignments, future education, matters of head and heart, and a big fat zit on chin.)

Middle of the weeks.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004
9:02 PM

I have been sleeping well these past few nights, but sadly, not enough. When you have to wake up at 6.30am four days in a row, sleep is never ever enough.

College on Wednesdays are cures for insomnia. It's just so unbearably boring. 8am to 10am we have Marketing which is without doubt, the quietest class of the whole semester- and it applies for all majors as well.

First off, the subject is frankly, a bore and the lecturer's one scary woman. Everyone just keeps deadly silent for fear of pissing her off. Rumour has it that she curses from letters A to Z, and I really do not want to be at the receiving end of any of the 26 alphabets.

If you're more than 10 minutes late, you're better off not coming anyway. She'll lock the door, and never opens it again until class is over. It has become weekly entertainment to see who's late. Everyone stops listening for awhile and bravely divert their eyes to the door to see the Poor Soul who's struggling to turn the knob. We look on as Poor Soul dejectedly gives up and walks away, and is marked absent.

We turn back to Scary Marketing Lecturer and think, if only this were Social Pyschology where you walk in after an hour and still the Nice Lecturer gives you a smile.

Today someone's handphone rang in the middle of Marketing class, and I swear the whole class held their breath to see if the lecturer would blow up. She didn't, but she did give a Deadly Stare. I reckon I should trademark that because her Deadly Stare is rather unique to her.

She gave Deadly Stare™. Class gets even quieter than I ever thought possible.

However, I do think she's okay with me because I got a tip from my seniors to always always sit in front for her class. I'm also very good with looking interested when in actual fact, my mind is a barren, empty wasteland of complete boredom.

It must be hard being a lecturer. On one hand you have Scary Marketing Lecturer who like, shuts the class up with one look but everyone is just faking attentiveness; and the other you have Nice Lecturer who has poor class management but is loved by everyone.

——
My Wednesday nights however, are pretty nice thanks to TV:
1) Amazing Race 5.
2) Dodgeball DVD. Anything with Ben Stiller cracks me up. Does anyone have Zoolander DVD/VCD that they can lend me? Pleeeease?

Early Monday morning.

Monday, July 12, 2004
12:12 AM

Huh. Where did the weekend go? It went by in a blur, the only thing I remember doing was reading this book, watching Malaysian Idol, answering an interview and struggling to finish an essay.

A 2 page essay, double spaced and it took me a whole day to finish it. What the hell am I doing in Journalism, I sometimes wonder.

But I did it after much procrastination. I'd spend about 15 minutes looking up some information, and then another 20 minutes talking to my brother. Get back to the PC, and then decide I need orange juice. And then water. I guzzle it down. Oops, toilet break. Research some more. Ugh, research- definitely the most hateful word I know.

Repeat above steps about 10 times and that was how my day went.

But it's done! 'Technology- A Double Edged Sword' is waiting to be printed and handed in ON TIME to lecturer.

I also found out to my dismay that I can not pull off caps, hats or anything that needs to be on my odd head.


Fisherman hat makes me look like a bloody tourist. And that's the reason why I don't grin- because I will have no eyes.


I'm rather fond of posing with fish lips. I know I look stupid, but that's inherent to my nature anyway.

Yeah. So the photo taking took up half an hour of precious assignment time as well.

I'm the undisputed Lord Supreme of Procrastination. The dictionary should have my picture under 'P'.

(And maybe under 'C' for camh0)

Brimful of CDs on the 45.

Thursday, July 08, 2004
7:02 PM

I know I owe my parents a lot. Like, for Life and putting up with my life for 18+ years now. For putting clothes on my back, and though they were dorky choices- they were clothes and and I wasn't naked. For feeding me and making me eat even when I didn't want to, and now I'm this crazy woman in love with food. For putting me in school, and letting me make decisions about what I want to do. Well, to a degree at least.

But besides the basic necessitites, I owe my dad, especially, for playing music in the house all the time when I was growing up, and now I'm this crazy woman in love with music.

My dad has a huge collection of CDs (thousands, really). Now usually, my dad has a nasty habit of untidiness. I should know since I pick up after him. He'll leave coffee cups under his bed for DAYS; comes home from work and removes his socks only to leave them on the floor. I'll clean up the coffee table and it'll be all organized over the weekdays, but come the weekend- it's completely messed up by his paraphernalia. So for him to have his CDs kept soooo nicely in a quaint little corner is really something quite new to me.

I love coming to his CD Corner because I'm really amazed by how many he actually has. I've never met anyone else who has a CD collection THIS extensive. Everytime I look through the collection, I get a surprise because I somehow discover some brand new CD I haven't noticed before. Like today: I found Jeff Beck. I didn't even know my dad listened to him.

When I was younger, I never used to understand why he bothered spending so much cash on them. He told me a long time ago that the reason he bought so many CDs was because he never could as a kid. It must have been torture: growing up and hearing all those songs over the radio and never having the oppurtunity to listen to the song again until the next time he gets near a radio, or a TV. Both luxury items back in the days.

And that's the difference between then and now. We hear a good song, and it sticks in our head. But unlike last time when you had to wait and pray that it comes on again, we get online, download the song and put it on repeat mode until we get sick of it. There's not much of an appreciation there.

My dad doesn't buy CDs anymore- he's doing the Malaysian thing now, ie pirated. I think it's a shame somehow because there was so much personality in his CD collection. Now it's just stagnant and never growing. I'm not anti-piracy or pro-piracy, but I'm the type who's willing to spend money on CDs. And why not, right? I mean, some people have their car modifying thing, some people buy gadgets. I don't get why people think its a waste of money to spend on original CDs. If taken care for properly, they could probably outlast your old car model and obsolete technology. Bleks! :p

And oh yes, I used to steal these particular CDs from him. He'll find them missing and know to come looking for me:



The Beatles, like the absolute best band ever.

Have you thunk today?

Monday, July 05, 2004
7:11 PM

I've been thinking today.
Tis a rare occurence, but I do have a thought or two tumbleweeding through the empty wasteland that I call Mind when the mood strikes.

So we were in class, and we're listening to our seniors tell us about their misadventures as interns/trainees in the industry. The industry here being media/communications. One was working for a production house, where else two were working for NSTP: one in Malay Mail and another in New Straits Times.

The accounts of the two working in the newsroom was captivating. From what I heard: it is a ruthless industry. There's a whole lot of backstabbing and betrayal, as well as general bitchiness. Editors can be the biggest assholes you'll ever meet, but never burn bridges. Don't ask too many questions, go out there and learn. Assertiveness is a quality much desired in this line, as well as self-esteem because you WILL get knocked around a lot. As a girl, be careful, you'd get hit on a lot. Vulgarities are as common as the flu. Every 2 minutes, someone's throwing a raging tantrum. Smoke and drink, smoke and drink. You work round the clock, and there's no such thing as an off-day. It's not just a JOB, but a lifestyle- and you're married to it for as long as you're working there.

But it is a rush, and it is bloody exhilirating. You get so absorbed with your work and your passion for it, that it becomes an addiction. You live to work, and though you complain- you love it all the same. You got to have passion for what you do or everything will just feel fcking wrong.

Natasha (lecturer, used to be in the industry) looked on with glazed eyes. When they were done, she laughed and said, "That's 99.9% true of what the industry is like- and I miss it! I really do. Hearing all this is very nostalgic."

But, she made a choice. She left an industry she clearly loved because she wanted some normalcy that the industry could never provide. A social life, some time for herself, her health, marriage (she's engaged), family. If she would have to continued working the way she did, none of the above would ever work out.

I truly respect her for what she did.

It sparked off questions in my head: if I were her, would I be able to do that? Give everything I've worked for, and something I love, up? Just pack, wave and say "it's over". Everyone says this industry is addictive. Would I be strong enough to say "no more" to this addiction, and revert to living a simpler, less complicated life? Without the adrenaline high, without all the drama? Would I be able to prioritize what's important in life?

At 18, I can say that work is not the most important thing in life, and so is money or reputation. Family, love, friends, your health- they're the things that matter ultimately. But, I know myself well enough to question what I would do and think when I reach that point in life where something needs to be sacrified, in order for everything else to fall into place.

When I get there, I want to be able to make the right decision and I'm scared that I'll forget all about this entry I made way back when I was 18.

I want it to be the 90s again.

Sunday, July 04, 2004
3:09 PM

I miss the 90s and everything that has to do with it.

Like, primary school. Playing getah, batu seremban, forming secret clubs with your best friends. Eating complete junk from the Man on Motorcycle outside school- the ice lolly thing in the plastic tube, ice-cream for 50 sen. Running off to 7-11 after the last bell to buy Slurpee, Coke flavoured. Bullying the boys and never having crushes on them cos they were stoopid.

Never having to study for exams and doing okay in them. Afternoons filled with games and pretending to be one of the Power Rangers (Yellow Ranger!). Pepsi Cola game, Ola-Oli game, London Bridge is Falling Down. Cycling all over the neighbourhood and pretending that you're going on an adventure.

Like, music. The first time hearing Alanis' "You Oughta Know" over the radio, and how shocked we were that she said "fuck" (Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?). How upset I was when Take That disbanded and thought Robbie Williams was an absolute idiot for causing the break up. Falling in love with Nick Carter from the BSB and watching RIM Chart Show just to watch "We've Got it Goin' On".

Rick Dees Top 40! <3. When HITZ was just HITZ, not HITZ.FM. Kudsia, John Boy- loved them. Don't listen as much to the station anymore.

Like, hakuna matata, it means no worries.

Everyday is a winding road, I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a faded sign, I get a little bit closer.
Feeeeeeling fine!

Sheryl Crow, Everyday is a Winding Road



Sunday July 4 2004 at 3.30pm, assignments are not finished, and mom's uncle passed away last night.

Yeah I want the 90s back.

(In the mean time, recommend me some songs that were popular back then. Itchy, want to download something.)

To bed, to bed.

Saturday, July 03, 2004
2:44 AM

This is the time of the night I like the most- 2 AM, where everything's just peaceful. My house is a fury of activity and noise most of the time. My dad has this annoying habit of acquiring a lot of IKEA stuff, which requires DIY. And DIY, my friends, is noisy. All the drilling, hammering and swearing makes me want to nail something into my ears. My brother is an obnoxious 17 year old with a loud taste in music (<3). My ma .. well, my ma is quiet, save the typical lectures. It was her birthday earlier tonight- lovely 47.

She's ageing with grace, my ma. I do hope that grace is somehow hereditary. I don't ever want to grow into one of those mothers who are so caught up in the loss of their youth, that they dress like their teenaged daughter and wear about as much make-up. I see them all the time in malls. They're impossibly thin for someone with kids, and have cleavage that would put a 20 year-old to shame.

It's just wrong la. You should be beautiful in all ways at that age, not slutty. Isn't it fcking mad to have me, an 18 year old, wanting to go up to you and asking you to put a sweater on? What the hell, talk about a role reversal.

I'm not always this bitchy. :) Don't back away from me, pleeeeeease.

And:
Friday night was spent finishing up an assignment- the first out of three for the weekend, all due on Monday and Tuesday. This is all beginning to feel familiar again- college workload has just started to pile up. Watch this space for more college-related fun! Yesssss.

Archie is a jerk, I don't know why Betty puts up with him. She'll always come second to Veronica, god knows why.

Spiderman 2 was great.

I watched Sex and the City series finale earlier this week. OMG, cried like a kid whose icecream cone was stolen by an insecure 12 year-old. But it ends happy, so I'm glad.

I need to get some sleep because I have to wake up before noon for lunch tomorrow. And also because I will need it to protect self and friend (mainly self) from insane shopaholics in MNG.

Til then, goodbye to the week and goodnight to all.