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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

A little intoxicated with everything.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004
7:18 PM


Dusk in Johor


You know, it's such a FANTASTIC feeling to sit around in cyberspace all day, not worrying about the lack of sleep or upcoming assignments or boring/repetitive lecturers. It's such an amazing knowledge to have- the knowledge that tomorrow is a day off from college, a day for sleeping in and slobbing around the house. Public holidays on stressful weekdays are gifts from God, I swear.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so in love with the world. I mean, here I am in my humble abode in Malaysia .. and I start thinking about people and places miles away. My mind often drifts away into foreign lands and I wonder what anyone, any one at all, is doing at this particular minute. I think about how the beach in Cherating would look like now, its waters reflecting the colours of the sunset. I look for what time it is in New York. I worry if there's anyone going through a hard time, stranger though they may be. I think about my class mates- would they be out, taking advantage of tomorrow's holiday; or at home catching up on TV, the news, books, whatever?

I guess.. ya know, sometimes I get very self-involved, and everything can be about me. I'm pissed with my parents, I'm so tired from college. I guess that's why, when moments are just perfect, I let my mind go.. think about how every one else is feeling, how everything is turning out, how the world turns with all of us in it.

I can't stop thinking and guessing because it blows my mind how there's so much out there. It's so mind-boggling. I keep forgetting that each and everyone of us are individuals. We all have our own lives to live.. our own goals to meet. I think this is amazing .. god I can't even articulate it. Like, I'm blogging right now .. but what are you doing? There's so much LIFE going on.

Get it? HEH, I'm so sorry for any confusion caused. It's just that I'm in one of my think-lots-about-nothing moods and there's a wonderful sunset going on outside my window. Let it be known that I have an obsession for sunsets. But I guess a sunset would be the best symbolism for my intoxication of the world, and life itself. The day is harsh, with weather too hot and too humid. But come evening, everything softens and the sky becomes the scene for one of the most beautiful things in the world. And you know- it's also free. The best things usually are.

It's a girl thing with the wrong swing.

Monday, February 02, 2004
4:14 PM


At Ikea
.

ARRRR! I feel like I'm an 18-year old being raised as a 14-year old!

My dad's at it again.. being really overprotective and domineering. I thought I was over the teenage stage of having my freedom and restricted and my every move reported, but just as I enter the final year of teendom, it comes up all over again. I don't get it. Why is this happening?

The rules in which I have to abide to before I can go out:

1) Whenever I want to go out, I have to ask permission a few hours before.

Okay. I'm fine with this.

2) I can only go out preferably for only 4 hours.

I am not okay with this.

3) I am requested to give the handphone numbers of the people I am going out with.

Now, this pissed me off.

I will NOT give my friends' handphone numbers to my dad because I know that the only reason he want them is so he can call the numbers up and find out who I'm going out with. It's not like the reason he wants them is because he's concerned about my safety; I have a cellphone too ok? And I have never purposely rejected or ignored a call from home or from my parents.

Secondly, I just feel really hurt by all these rules. You might as well just put up a glaring neon sign: I DO NOT TRUST YOU, SARAH. He might as well do that. With him suddenly coming up with all these rules, it tells me that he has absolutely no trust in me. It tells me that you still think I'm this immature kid who can't take care of herself and need to be watched over all the time, if possible.

And where on earth did he get that idea? What exactly am I doing so wrong that his distrust for me has reached this height? I have never smoked, got pissed drunk, went out clubbing the whole night, bring back horrendous grades or deliberately try to be a bad kid. I've done my best and I often feel that my best should be good enough. I've never done anything that any sane, logical person would put me in the category of 'problematic kids'.

I really feel that at times he doesn't know me. When I'm home, and I'm online he'll say, "Stop going online so often, go out". And when I do go out, it's "Stop abusing your freedom, come home and study."

Please tell me how can I satisfy him? I really do not feel like I'm abusing my freedom. I go out long hours sometimes yes, but I've never gone out from afternoon until early morning. Never. And if I'm late, I call.

I think I just feel like ... things are just getting to be more unfair now. It's hard to stand there and take everything in calmly when my brother is running free at the age of 16. He goes to his friend's to "sleep over" but that really means that he'd be out all night at the mamak, at the cyber cafe or playing pool. He then comes back to the house at 6 AM and crashes. If they really can't see what my brother's "sleep over" is all about- they are just too freaking BLIND. I hate to make this a case of "because I'm a girl" but I just feel like that's the case.

Speaking of being a girl.. I'm also getting really tired from all their remarks about how a girl should be. I can be rather blunt and sarcastic at times, and everytime I am, they glare at me and say "Stop talking like that. You're a girl."

"You're a girl". I dislike this phrase greatly. Just because I'm a girl, that doesn't mean I can't voice my opinions, even though my opinions contradicts with theirs- which it usually does. And just because they contradict, it doesn't mean it's wrong. See this is why problems come up- miscommunication. When I try to explain why I feel that way- they cut me out after my very first sentence by telling me to stop being unreasonable. SIgh. My first sentence do not make my whole point, but whatever.

I'm getting a headache. I think I better stop cos this could go on and on.