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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Let there be light.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Lantern @ Khoo Kongsi, Penang


These days, I find it difficult to be very happy about one thing for an extended period of time. Things that make me happy, are typically just a temporary, passing thing. I know when it starts, and I can predict when it'll go away. And I hang on to every single thread that it leaves while its passing, because I want to savour the moment while its still here, and while it still is my Present. The Past is hopeless to dwell upon, and memories of it makes it an even bitter pill to swallow.

I've been too contemplative today for my own good. I'm trying to straighten out the mess in my mind by typing it out, but so far today's post hasn't been my easiest work. There's so much to say, yet so much more that I'm afraid of revealing. Trying to keep within my limits is so difficult, when this blog becomes so personal to me that I feel such an urge to pour everything out. Sometimes I feel like I should pull a meesh and keep my whereabouts a secret. And just let it all come out, in all its heinous honesty.

This morning, I got dressed thinking that I could just go for that one replacement Econs class, and then come home. Instead, I came to college and was greeted by some surprising news. In a sense, it was good news but on the other hand, it makes things complicated for the parties involved. It's a dangerous mix of conflicting emotions- you can't have those moments of joy without the questions and confusion that will surely come later.

Relationships scare the hell out of me, and I can safely assume that they scare my group of friends. As you grow older, relationships become more than just going out and holding hands. It's not as easy as, "Can you be my girlfriend?" and a positive answer later, you guys are a couple. Relationships are so grey now- neither yes or no. It used to be nice game of playing it cool, or playing hard to get- now honesty is what you live for. It's so ... out of the box now, that it's scary. I sometimes lie in bed after tossing and turning, thinking about the situation I am in, and scare the shit out of myself with the possibilities of it going all wrong.

I suppose that's why having courage is so essential in everything you do. From going for your dream, to something as seemingly trivial as relationships .. you have to be brave in making a decision, and having optimisim that it'll turn out okay. I don't know why people (girls, especially) are belittled and ridiculed for having a preoccupation with their relationships, because HELL, relationships are the hardest things in the world. You can't just worry about yourself, you have to take care of the other person as well. A two way street, as they say. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, what they don't always say. ;)

Typing out this post has been difficult, and I fear that by doing so I've somehow let on about how vulnerable I feel at times regarding life and love. It's scary, this side of me, I know and I intentionally keep it hidden away because I fear people thinking I'm this stupid 19 year old with a complex and insecurities. I am that to a certain extent, but no worries- I handle it well and am able to function in social events involving normal people. :p

As for my favourite girls- you know we're all interdependant on each other. It's a beautiful symbiosis, what we have. Things are fcking confusing right now, we all know, but we have each other. We'll bitch, and make jokes, and be all ourselves about it, and it won't seem too bad. It seems like we're all grasping in the dark for an answer now, but a higher power will slowly shine some light upon us. <333333

  1. Blogger hyelbaine said:

    "It's scary, this side of me, I know and I intentionally keep it hidden away because I fear people thinking I'm this stupid 19 year old with a complex and insecurities."

    Nobody would think of you like that. everyone's got their own problems but it takes "courage" to put it down in words ;)

    Cheers!!! :D

  1. Blogger mwt said:

    Girls, examine your BELIEFS and use your IMAGINATIONS!
    To live for today (to gain some learning experience) and love for tomorrow (to settle down unhappily) is the wisdom of fools.

    You are always sending out telepathic thoughts outwards and others will react to those according to their own ideas of reality. A couple in relationships can constantly reinforce its joy, gaiety and spontaneity by concentrating on ideas of vitality, strength and creativity. You get what you concentrate upon and there is NO other rule.

    The most hampering belief of all is the idea that the clues to your current problems are buried and inaccessible. The answers are always there in our conscious minds

    Examine your invincible and core BELIEFS – strong ideas about your existence; the way you build your life. Examples,” human nature is inherently evil”, “my life is worthless”; “relationships are pointless”. The first example at its worst will make a person not trust a mate, family, friends, colleagues, country or the world in general.

    Discard the false ones and the other subsidiary and offshoots will fall away. Distinguish between the facts of life and the beliefs of life - a daunting task for many.

    You form your reality directly. You react consciously and unconsciously to your beliefs. You collect from the physical universe, and the interior one, data that seems to correlate with your beliefs.

    Use your IMAGINATIONS to move ideas in and out of your mind and propel them in the directions you desire. Your imaginations follow your beliefs, as do your emotions

    If you feel you are lonely and unloved, then imagine them filled and joyful. This may sound impractical, but in our daily life, we have used our imaginations and emotions often at the service of far less worthy cause. It may be a time before you see physical results but new ideas will take growth and change your experience.

    The process of imagining will also bring you face to face with other subsidiary ideas that momentarily bring you short. You may see where you held two conflicting ideas
    SIMULTANEOUSLY, and with equal vigor. Then you stalemated yourself.

    For example, you believe you have a right to health and yet with equal intensity you believe the human condition is frail and tainted. Then you will try to be healthy and NOT healthy at the SAME time, or successful and NOT successful or loved or NOT loved according to your system of beliefs.

    You may not be in relationship now, what I have stated can help you erase your self doubts. Believe also that you are a being unlimited by nature, born into flesh to materialize as best as you can the great joy and spontaneity of your nature.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:

    A pretty good post, actually.

    -Regina

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