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Desktop Confessional

It's a girl thing with the wrong swing.

Monday, February 02, 2004

At Ikea

ARRRR! I feel like I'm an 18-year old being raised as a 14-year old!

My dad's at it again.. being really overprotective and domineering. I thought I was over the teenage stage of having my freedom and restricted and my every move reported, but just as I enter the final year of teendom, it comes up all over again. I don't get it. Why is this happening?

The rules in which I have to abide to before I can go out:

1) Whenever I want to go out, I have to ask permission a few hours before.

Okay. I'm fine with this.

2) I can only go out preferably for only 4 hours.

I am not okay with this.

3) I am requested to give the handphone numbers of the people I am going out with.

Now, this pissed me off.

I will NOT give my friends' handphone numbers to my dad because I know that the only reason he want them is so he can call the numbers up and find out who I'm going out with. It's not like the reason he wants them is because he's concerned about my safety; I have a cellphone too ok? And I have never purposely rejected or ignored a call from home or from my parents.

Secondly, I just feel really hurt by all these rules. You might as well just put up a glaring neon sign: I DO NOT TRUST YOU, SARAH. He might as well do that. With him suddenly coming up with all these rules, it tells me that he has absolutely no trust in me. It tells me that you still think I'm this immature kid who can't take care of herself and need to be watched over all the time, if possible.

And where on earth did he get that idea? What exactly am I doing so wrong that his distrust for me has reached this height? I have never smoked, got pissed drunk, went out clubbing the whole night, bring back horrendous grades or deliberately try to be a bad kid. I've done my best and I often feel that my best should be good enough. I've never done anything that any sane, logical person would put me in the category of 'problematic kids'.

I really feel that at times he doesn't know me. When I'm home, and I'm online he'll say, "Stop going online so often, go out". And when I do go out, it's "Stop abusing your freedom, come home and study."

Please tell me how can I satisfy him? I really do not feel like I'm abusing my freedom. I go out long hours sometimes yes, but I've never gone out from afternoon until early morning. Never. And if I'm late, I call.

I think I just feel like ... things are just getting to be more unfair now. It's hard to stand there and take everything in calmly when my brother is running free at the age of 16. He goes to his friend's to "sleep over" but that really means that he'd be out all night at the mamak, at the cyber cafe or playing pool. He then comes back to the house at 6 AM and crashes. If they really can't see what my brother's "sleep over" is all about- they are just too freaking BLIND. I hate to make this a case of "because I'm a girl" but I just feel like that's the case.

Speaking of being a girl.. I'm also getting really tired from all their remarks about how a girl should be. I can be rather blunt and sarcastic at times, and everytime I am, they glare at me and say "Stop talking like that. You're a girl."

"You're a girl". I dislike this phrase greatly. Just because I'm a girl, that doesn't mean I can't voice my opinions, even though my opinions contradicts with theirs- which it usually does. And just because they contradict, it doesn't mean it's wrong. See this is why problems come up- miscommunication. When I try to explain why I feel that way- they cut me out after my very first sentence by telling me to stop being unreasonable. SIgh. My first sentence do not make my whole point, but whatever.

I'm getting a headache. I think I better stop cos this could go on and on.

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