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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Shatter much?

Sunday, January 25, 2004



Ever had one of those days when you realize that the things you've been anticipating may not come to pass? I just went through one of those days. I was annoyed as hell a while earlier, but after talking it over with my SO.. I feel less resentful now. Less resentful, but still reverberating from it.

I was having dimsum this morning on Petaling Street with my family and relatives. It was going pretty well until the point when an aunt asked me what were my plans for next year. I replied that I was probably going off to study in Australia, as previously planned. She echoed, "Australia", nodded and proceeded to tell everyone and me how expensive it would be and how I should just do it locally since it's probably half the cost. This was the catalyst; everyone started pitching in ideas on what I should do after I get my diploma.

First, they said I should go to USM (Universiti Sains Malaysia), since the program I am doing now has a twinning agreement with USM. I was reluctant, I kept saying, "but.." but no one really heard me. They went on to discuss about how beautiful (what's this got to do with anything?) the USM campus was and my mom announced that one of my uncles actually went there. And my dad nicely added that if I went to USM, he would use the rest of the money and get me a car.

A car? Who is he kidding? I've had my P licence for over a year and he hasn't even let me touch the steering wheel. And now he wants to get me a car? I wished I could believe that. Frankly, if you give me a choice between a car and going to the university of my choice, I would pick the latter. I'll get my car my own self, thank you. I wouldn't mind working for it. What I want is to be able to do what I want, where I want.

That's not the worse part: my aunt actually suggested me working as a teacher. A teacher! Now don't get me wrong, I respect teachers and I find what they are doing extremely noble and challenging- but that's not my dream. I never even THOUGHT of becoming a teacher? The same aunt went on to explain about teachers in Singapore, and all the benefits they have (free medical, stuff like that), and to which my mom excitedly asked me to try it.

NO MOM.

Gah. I know it doesn't sound like much to get annoyed about now that it's all typed out.. but it was so difficult earlier this morn. The way everyone discussed my future, not even bothering to ask me what my interests and plans were. The way the bounced off job ideas for ME amongst each other.

Do they NOT think that I might know what I want to do? Do they not think that yes, I do have a dream? Why can't they just ask me what my interests were and try to talk about it from there, instead of deciding my interest for me?

SIGH. So now I realize that my hopes of going overseas to study, of having a new environment to be in.. it just might not come true.

I know that my parents are worried financially, since my brother is only 2 years younger. But why couldn't they have discussed it with me, knowing that I've been wanting to go overseas to study for a long time now? And you know what.. I know that even if I don't go, my brother will have the chance to go. That's just plain unfair.

I bring home the grades they want, I don't do the things they don't want me to.. but the one thing that I want the most.. I just might not get. SIGH.

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My mom asked me just now if I could break a RM50 note with RM10 notes? I laughed and said, "OF COURSE!! I COULD BREAK A RM100 WITH RM10 NOTES!"

Got another dinner tonight. I think it's the 4th one this week.

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