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Desktop Confessional

Shatter much?

Sunday, January 25, 2004
2:44 PM

Ever had one of those days when you realize that the things you've been anticipating may not come to pass? I just went through one of those days. I was annoyed as hell a while earlier, but after talking it over with my SO.. I feel less resentful now. Less resentful, but still reverberating from it.

I was having dimsum this morning on Petaling Street with my family and relatives. It was going pretty well until the point when an aunt asked me what were my plans for next year. I replied that I was probably going off to study in Australia, as previously planned. She echoed, "Australia", nodded and proceeded to tell everyone and me how expensive it would be and how I should just do it locally since it's probably half the cost. This was the catalyst; everyone started pitching in ideas on what I should do after I get my diploma.

First, they said I should go to USM (Universiti Sains Malaysia), since the program I am doing now has a twinning agreement with USM. I was reluctant, I kept saying, "but.." but no one really heard me. They went on to discuss about how beautiful (what's this got to do with anything?) the USM campus was and my mom announced that one of my uncles actually went there. And my dad nicely added that if I went to USM, he would use the rest of the money and get me a car.

A car? Who is he kidding? I've had my P licence for over a year and he hasn't even let me touch the steering wheel. And now he wants to get me a car? I wished I could believe that. Frankly, if you give me a choice between a car and going to the university of my choice, I would pick the latter. I'll get my car my own self, thank you. I wouldn't mind working for it. What I want is to be able to do what I want, where I want.

That's not the worse part: my aunt actually suggested me working as a teacher. A teacher! Now don't get me wrong, I respect teachers and I find what they are doing extremely noble and challenging- but that's not my dream. I never even THOUGHT of becoming a teacher? The same aunt went on to explain about teachers in Singapore, and all the benefits they have (free medical, stuff like that), and to which my mom excitedly asked me to try it.


Gah. I know it doesn't sound like much to get annoyed about now that it's all typed out.. but it was so difficult earlier this morn. The way everyone discussed my future, not even bothering to ask me what my interests and plans were. The way the bounced off job ideas for ME amongst each other.

Do they NOT think that I might know what I want to do? Do they not think that yes, I do have a dream? Why can't they just ask me what my interests were and try to talk about it from there, instead of deciding my interest for me?

SIGH. So now I realize that my hopes of going overseas to study, of having a new environment to be in.. it just might not come true.

I know that my parents are worried financially, since my brother is only 2 years younger. But why couldn't they have discussed it with me, knowing that I've been wanting to go overseas to study for a long time now? And you know what.. I know that even if I don't go, my brother will have the chance to go. That's just plain unfair.

I bring home the grades they want, I don't do the things they don't want me to.. but the one thing that I want the most.. I just might not get. SIGH.


My mom asked me just now if I could break a RM50 note with RM10 notes? I laughed and said, "OF COURSE!! I COULD BREAK A RM100 WITH RM10 NOTES!"

Got another dinner tonight. I think it's the 4th one this week.

Monkey see, monkey do!

Thursday, January 22, 2004
2:57 PM

Chinatown, Singapore

AH, corniness! In honour of Chinese New Year, I actually changed the colour of the picture's border to a fancy red.

But that aside- Happy Chinese New Year to all!

Reasons why CNY is better than Christmas

1) Oh, glorious food! Reunion dinners, cookies, pineapple tarts, chicken floss. All things essential to CNY revolves around food. I think most Chinese families believe that food is love, and that the more food one has, the happier he is. I think that's sorta true. Like, take for example my grandmother. Everytime she calls, the first thing she asks me would be, "Sek cho fan mei ah?" ("Have you eaten dinner yet?"), without fail. There's nothing quite as joyful as relatives sitting around a round table laden with too much food. FOOD IS LOVE! LOVE IS CNY! (Ahem.)

2) Angpows. OOh yeah. Little red packets of joy. Now that I'm older and "so hard to shop for!" (said one auntie), I don't really expect Christmas presents. But HAH- sorry, can't say the same for angpows though. Relatives can't hide behind the excuse of not knowing what to buy, wahaha. And it's a time honoured tradition.. no one should break it.

3) The right atmosphere. Sometimes, you listen to all those Christmas songs about a white Christmas, filled with kids in mufflers making angels in the snow and you feel pangs in your heart and you think, "WHY CAN'T MALAYSIA SNOW?". Personally, I feel like Christmas in Malaysia always lacks something.. things like fireplaces, and chestnuts, hot chocolate, pine trees and snowmen. Not with Chinese New Year though- everything feels just right. The heat, the slightly disturbing decorations of the cherubic kids (oh c'mon, you've seen them!!), the red lanterns.. everything looks like it's supposed to.

4) Gambling. Erh, eheh. I don't know why, gambling seems to pertain more to CNY than to Christmas. 'Chor tai ti' !!

Reasons why CNY can be annoying

1) You gain at least 2 kgs. GAH.

2) Relatives take too much of interest in your life weight. Hmph. But hey! This year they said I lost weight, instead of gained! So this should really be on the previous list.

3) CNY songs. *shudder* They are so bad.. I especially dislike the ones where they have small kids as singers. Aieh. Shrill, high-pitched shrieks disguised as singing.

What is my point?

Monday, January 05, 2004
7:52 PM

At Singapore's Botanical Gardens

Tomorrow I will wake up at 6.30 in the morning, brave a cold shower, sit in front of my wardrobe for a good 10 minutes, put on an outfit and head out the door towards college.

Yes, college. It is starting tomorrow. Tomorrow! 3 months have come and gone; now all of us Mass Commers at Taylor's will have to start getting our idle brains in order to endure 6 months of lectures, assignments and exams.

Sigh. It's back to normality.

Tomorrow I will begin to take my first step into the world of journalism. I suspect that I will have to write more in 6 months than I've ever written in 10 years. Oh dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into? I'm not a good writer: I'm not articulate, I can't think up clever metaphors and I normally do not see the 'big picture'. I create non-existent words into existence and I have trouble applying the word 'whom' into sentences (I don't know when to use it). I don't know what a verb is (an action?), nor (or should it be 'or'?) a noun. And I'm repetitive, too boot. How did I pass English, I don't know. (SEE! I'VE USED 'don't know' 3 TIMES IN THIS PARAGRAPH ALONE! Repetition!)

So, as you probably can tell, I'm quite scared of being a Journalism major. So many words, so many phrases. Language is so tricky, yanno. Tricky and subtle. You can either see words as they are: plain information; or you can see words as a gift of thoughts from the writer to you.. so rich in depth, emotion and wit. A good writer understands. They can summarize life's more profound lessons in a single paragraph. Me? I digress. I stray from the main point to cover up for the fact that I actually do not have an idea. No clue at all.

I'm afraid. It's been a while since I've been face to face with a challenge, and this is definitely one. The next year will be a test of my 'skills' as a writer. And like any Leo, I will take on this test, but not without trembling. A little anyways. What's life without some doubt and uncertainty?

For once in my life though, time is on my side. The faster it flies, the happier I am. Everyday I get closer to leaving; everyday I get closer to new experiences. I still have beautiful little dreams of NYC in autumn, and quaint little fantasies of watching the sun set in unfamiliar shores. In the past, I never quite liked how quickly the hands of time ticked on but this year, it's different. This year could possibly be the last year I spend in monotony; it could possibly be the last year I spend in "tedious sameness or repetitiousness" (dictionary.com).

I know I sound a little naive to think that my life will change after this year, but understand that I've been in the same environment my entire life. I have only ever been to Singapore, never anywhere else. I'm becoming restless against my own will. I wish that I could be satisfied with what I have now, but I guess I just want to live life to the fullest. I don't feel that I'm doing that now. There's too much to see. And I don't want to miss out.

2004 will be a year to remember. I can feel it. I can finally call Time a friend.. and I urge him to move along quicker.

This post has confirmed that I am a digresser. I started out writing about college starting tomorrow, moved on to my doubts as a writer and finally strayed to how I would love Time to fly this year. And ooh! I just realized that I spent an hour typing up this post. Yay!

I rest my case.