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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Hair-puling activities

Monday, June 30, 2003
6:47 PM

I hate going to shopping malls with no money. I absolutely despise it! I hate going into Miss Selfridge and seeing all those MichelleBranch-type singlets and trying them on; find out that it fits good but then reluctantly handing it back to the sales assistant with a "Hmm..no" look on your face while the sales assistant discreetly rolls her eyes and silently thinks that you're this poor girl who has some sad, depressing habit of trying on clothes that you can't afford (actually, sod these type of sale assistants! Hate them too!).

Today, after college, went to Pyramid with May Lyn and Angie and looked on jealously as they happily bought clothes. *cries* Me and my RM150 a month allowance (how does anyone survive on that measly amount???? But will ma listen? NO!!).

Anyway, cheered up after remembering was going to Cheers on Friday for lunch. I've just been sick of salivating everytime Meesh or Losh or Veena mentions how damn good the food is there.

See!! I am taking my life into my own hands. Hah.

Listening to Alanis M. "Head over Feet"... 'you're the best listener that I ever had, you're my best friend..best friend with benefits..'

I'm justa nerd..

Friday, June 27, 2003
11:05 PM

I think one of the most satisfying things in this world is to curl up in a huge, squashy, comfy couch and lose yourself in a book. Yup, that's right- I have my Harry Potter! Right here in my very own house! I get tingles just looking at the cover (though I admit that the design looks very childish. Well, still not as bad as Creed's Adobe disasters of what they call 'album covers' *shudders* Just look at the embarassment of their cover 'Human Clay'!)

The book is bloody addictive. Which, actually, is bad for me cos the book actually belongs to my brother so we have to share the damn thing and he gets priority. I only get to read it when he's outta the house or busy doing something unbeneficial (as usual). And since it is his book, there are all these stupid rules when it comes to reading it. Like, you have to flip the pages reallllly sloooooowly. And, you can only open the book up to a 45degree angle. You can't completely open it, know what I mean? His friend is worse- he opens it soooooo little that he has to like crane his neck to read the entire page. It's so frustrating especially since I am dying to find out what is happening on the next page. How can you fully appreciate the glory of fiction if you're more worried about how it looks from the outside?

Anyhoo. I will stop whining about my brother's fanaticism with the maintainence of HP5 (maybe he is like that because the book costs a bomb, yeah?). I am just glad it is the weekend, giving me ample time to finish the book and start on other books- Adrian Mole, American Gods.

Lurve books. :)

Thursday, June 26, 2003
9:58 AM

Thu Jun 26, 9.50am
Past work

I have nothing interesting to blog about these days. To make up for my lack of life (ahem), I'm gonna post a poem I wrote like, two or more years ago. It was sorta like an after effect of the Columbine High shooting, except I imagined it through the eyes of the shooter. Weird, huh? Anyway. I'm proud of it cos it's one of the few poems of mine that rhyme. Heh.

Woke up in the smog of the polluted air
But damn - why the hell should I care?
Everything else is polluted in this part of town
This part - where the sane never come around
Hardly had my shirt on when I heard
My dad cursing and slapping my mom
The door slams and another day has begun
My breakfast lies forgotten on the table
And my baby brother's crying in his cradle
Went past the kitchen and through the door
Ignoring my mom who was quivering on the floor
I learnt it was best to pretend I don't see
The pain my dad's violence is causing this family
Walking to school - I can't comprehend
When will this be over - God, please let it end!
All the times I've roamed the streets - why ain't I dead?
Desperately wanting someone to put one in my head
Fantasize all day about the day I'd die
Fuck the pain - I feel it more when I'm alive
Stumbled in late to a hell-hole they call school
Everything about me is wrong - from my hair to my shoes
All day, everyday - remarks about my color
All day, everyday - insults from one to another
Overheard - rich kids with their goddamned pressed polos
Moaning about their 'cursed' life like there's no tomorrow
They don't begin to grasp the meaning of cursed
They don't know what it feels to feel pain since birth!
What the hell do they know about life?
Have they ever been really hurt - ever dealt with strife?
Do they know how to live with a dad who's more than a little crazy?
Can they stand to see their moms crumble because of the burdens she has to carry?
They've never experienced life in the ghetto or the slums
Never felt the sting of being shunned
Never tasted the taste of poverty
... and I have never felt this fury in me
Don't know why - but my anger's boiling over
Seething - I'm running to the area of my locker
Reached inside and there I find
The cold metal of the one that'll ease my mind
Never wanted to use this - too afraid I'd get caught
Never wanted death as half my fault
But I can't stand it no more - I've reached my peak
I have to take it out - let it all go, quick
Not aiming, I shoot - and the corridor screams
A thousand feet escaping - a thousand think they're in a dream
I know now - mental disease is hereditary
I'm acting like my dad and forgetting about me
Shooting everywhere - don't care who or what I hit
There's blood on the floor but I don't give a shit
It's wonderful to release when you've kept it all in
Delirious - the sadistic joy I feel within
But it's shortlived - I feel two bullets hit my chest
Fuck the cops - they had to disturb me when I feel the best
Thought it'll hurt at least a little but I was wrong
All my caged demons - freed after so long
For the first time in my life - I think I feel fine
And a million flashbacks play in my mind
My life - an accident that I ever existed and lived
But it's okay .. I'm okay - I'm ready to forgive
My dad, my mom, Ben - all the motherfuckers in school
I'm just so sorry I had to break all the rules
So sorry that I had to commit murder - my only regrets
I can't wait to leave this world - I'm never looking back
I'm dying, I know but I still smile - no more hiding in the past
Because I finally feel .. sweet serenity and peace .. at long .. last.


...so, whatcha guys think?

Sunday, June 22, 2003
11:11 PM

Mon Jun 23, 8.46pm
ARGH-iness

Hmph. I am imagining people reading the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series. I am imagining people gasping with delight at the twists and turns of the books. I am imagining them burying their nose in the book, unable to do anything but complete all 820 pages of the book.

Why Lord, am I not one of those people?

I am dying to read Harry Potter 5. Apparently it's the best in the series (yup, I did my online research and all already, heh) and filled with revelations of Harry's past. etc. My brother THINKS his girlfriend is getting it for him and he EXPECTS the book to be in our house on Wednesday. But I dont know- 'thinks' and 'expects' are words so filled with doubt! However, I shall wait til Wednesday and if it doesnt come THEN- I will go and get it myself! I will go and purchase a RM90 *sob* book!

I don't care if this post makes me sound like I'm 10 years younger. Pfft.

Friday, June 20, 2003
1:29 PM

Fri Jun 20, 1.18pm
Record breaking!!

Ladeeda. I have finished packing in record breaking/shattering time! *is so proud of herself* Managed to shower and throw in assorted clothing into bag in a little less than hour. I even have time to spare! *smiles maniacally* That's why I'm here... AGAIN. I've no where else to go online. Cyberspace is such a hostile place (hey! that rhymes!). Filled with anonymous, faceless people who click on links aimlessly because there is nothing better to do in the real world... *sob* That sounds like a potential film tag-line. LOL.
Anyway. Will be going off to camp in about half an hour. Won't be blogging in 3 days. I RESOLVE TO SURVIVE BEING ISOLATED FROM THE INTERNET. I'm gonna spend some quality time with real things - people, beds, sleeping bags, unfamiliar bathrooms, vegetarian food, travelling-pack shampoo and conditioner, etc. and Batu Caves. Yes, I am gonna scale the 200-odd steps and breathe to tell the tale! Woohoo!
Have a great weekend all- I think i'll be having one myself. :D


12:43 AM

Fri Jun 20, 12.14am
Indecisions

It feels like human beings are always placed in front of forked roads; forever challenged with either A .. or B.
We make decisions everyday, and everyday these decisions give us much to stress about. Even the simple decision of where to eat for lunch causes tiny little conflicts within groups because of either a)financial differences b)weird cravings (for me it's always asam laksa. Gah!) or c)being agreeable (you know.. Question:"Hey, where do you wanna eat?" ... Answer:"Anything")

I hate making decisions. They always make me twitch and twiddle my thumbs. Like, when the PMR results came out- I had to choose wether I should be in a Science or Arts class (I chose Science-huge mistake). A month after SPM- I had to choose what I wanted to do with my bleak future. Then, after choosing Mass Communication, I had to choose which college to attend. After choosing Taylor's, I had to choose my major.

And there is where today's problem comes in.

I chose Advertising (I originally wanted broadcasting, but it was not offered) mainly because I thought it was a cool thing to do. Creating advertisments that will (hopefully) influence consumers to go out there and get the product- it sounded so interesting to me. Imagine: you shape trends.

That was 6 months ago. Today... my fickleness comes back. I wonder if I would be good in advertising, although I have an interest in it. I mean, when I major in it, I will have to do a lot of computer work. I can't even manage my blog properly- how can I EVER create advertisments/graphics/etc? It sounds so unlikely. Which makes me wonder: maybe I should take journalism instead...

I like writing. I really do. I used to write a lot until I was struck by the disease: Writer's Block. (I've been blocked for at least a year now. During that length I have not written anything- not one story, not one article, not one poem. ) However, I don't like reporting- feels like being a secretary. I guess my passion (if that is what it is) lies in feature writing, writing articles about people and their lives... being some sort of untrained sociologist. I love people.. I like knowing people. It seems so ideal (to me) to write about PEOPLE. PEOPLE is a subject that will never be outdated because PEOPLE are constantly changing and evolving. Plus, PEOPLE are usually nosy/busybody/intrusive, so PEOPLE will always want to read about other PEOPLE.

Okay. I've completely lost my point. I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
(Heh, there's some good ol' Form4 Robert Frost!!)

Indeed. Why can't we choose A and B? Why are we always limited?


What's going on?

Tuesday, June 17, 2003
8:08 PM

Tue Jun 17, 8.08pm
What's going on?

CRAP. I don't understand this! This new design's giving me a headache. The date and time where I posted my blogs dont seem to appear. Seems like I have to manually type in the date and stuff. Plus, I cant place a title. *sigh* And the ad above *points to the ad-y thing at the top* is blocking my description. Sucks. And my connection is really screwed today.. it's going sooooooooooooo slow. It's unbelievable. TMNet sucks. I'm supposed to have freaking Broadband but I STILL LAG. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?

Retail therapy

Friday, June 13, 2003
11:09 PM

Fri Jun 13, 11.09pm
Retail therapy

There's nothing like shopping to take your mind off a busy-yet-boring-yet-tiring first week of college. It feels like I haven't slept for more than 2 hours this entire week. It's my system- it's not used to waking up at the command of my handphone alarm (programmed to ring at 6.30am *groan*). I don't even have the luxury of hitting the Snooze and getting another 5 minutes. I have to share the bathroom with my brother and I just haaate getting into an argument with him about wetting the toilet paper so early in the morning!

As a result, I've been yawning way too much this week (I think i pulled a jaw muscle!) and I have a feeling that I'm not the only one. Everyone's been saying, as if on cue at around 2pm or 3pm, how tired they are and how badly they want to get home and have some rest. You cant blame us- we have 8am classes from Tuesday to Thursday! It's way taxing. Also, because we are just in the beginning of our subjects, they all seem kinda boring. (However I think this perception will change once July comes around)

To counter this sudden wave of tiredness and depression, my mom brought me and my brother shopping today at Midvalley. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's because I'm having a dumb-blond moment, but shopping is a theuraptic (did I spell that right?) and almost relaxing thing for me. Some people might not agree cos the thought of walking endlessly in malls and trying on different clothes exhausts the hell out of them even before they step into a mall. But for me... I'm a bargain addict. My ultimate mission in life is to get bargains, and when I buy something that is worth the money I paid for- I get the ultimate high. (Um well actually it's my mom's cash heh)

So, anyway. I know you probably dont care abt my philosphical views on shopping (haha) but I'm bored so bear with me as I list down the things I bought:
-3 tops (FCUK one that says 'bon in bed', a Sisley one that says 'Heart Insurance' and a dark brown MNG top very similar to the one Michelle Branch wore in her video "Are you happy now?". Woohoo! Ohh and I saw Deanna Yusoff in MNG. I walked into the fitting area and wondered why there were 2 or 3 assistants crowding over something/someone. And then the someone spoke in a posh British accent (why does she have a British accent???) and she was like "No, they're all very nice but I dont think it suits me, thank you." HMPH. Everyone was ignoring us, customers but obviously not as important as a customer like Deanna. I shall complain to the management!.. or maybe not)
-Jacket. (WAY TOO FREEZING IN B20/B18/COMPUTER LABS. This one was so cheap- RM40)
-Undies! (I wanted one that had like a Chinese-looking girl motif on the front but I didnt look when I was grabbing my size and found out later that I actually bought a different one- one with a picture of a snake which said 'Snake Charmer'. Guess why?)
-Socks. (I wear sneakers too much to the point Piaree thinks it's unusual that I wear flats/sandals. She starts calling me 'girly'! Silly Twichai! LOL! :D)
-Deodorant (Heh, go figure)

Anyway. I guess I've bored you guys enough. I shall now go off and watch TV or do something more productive!





The most interesting thing in the world to you..

Thursday, June 12, 2003
6:32 PM

Thu Jun 12, 6.32pm
The most interesting thing in the world to you...

.. is usually yourself. That's why quizzes that tell you what your personality is like are so popular. Like, for example: I took this quiz called "Which swear word are you?" two weeks ago and I was labelled "bitch" (obviously a fluke cos I am an angel!LOL). Quizzes are fun and they feed your self-obsession.. it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy when you get positive comments. It fuels your ego, I guess.

I suppose that astrology, too, is very popular because people are interested to find out what they are and to also experiment the accuracy of astrology. I'm a Leo, and I admit to having some very Leo-ine qualities: I like drama, I like attention (good ones, not attention as in being labelled a slut or whatever) and I am loyal. But I don't believe the compatability thing. It's totally off. If it were true, I would have lost half my friends due to so-called "astrological incompatibilities".

However.. I think astrology can tell you a little something about yourself. I sent in my date of birth and birth time to this site and got my astrological report. The result? Some stuff are true and there are of course some qualities that I don't recognize myself having. But who knows? Maybe I do have them and is too embarassed to admit to them, heh.

If you want a free astrology chart yourself, just go to http://alabe.com/freechart/
(Sorry, couldn't link it for some reason. Stupid comp.)

It's a good way to kill boredom!

PS Poem1

Wednesday, June 11, 2003
11:03 PM

Wed Jun 11, 11.03pm
PS Poem1

LOL I should use this for my presentation on Monday.

Embarassed
My zipper is broken
There's bound to be joking
and normally I wouldnt care
But today's the day
I am sorry to say
I forgot to put on my underwear

Do you think Ms Stella will kill me?

It's all in your mind...


8:20 PM

Wed Jun 11, 8.20pm
It's all in your mind

I have ichthyophobia. I am afraid of fish! It's true! I hate the little slimy, fin-ny things with their bulging, lifeless eyes and always opened mouth. They freak me out. I have never held a live fish in my hand and the worse part is that my dad has seven of those freaky Golden Horn fishes in my house! ARGH. I am afraid of my house- I have ECOPHOBIA! (But Finding Nemo was so cute though!).

And today I think I have also found out that I have Glossophobia, which is the fear of speaking in public. My first assignment for my Introduction to Public Speaking course is to present a poem/song/dance on top of a chair in the cafeteria on MONDAY. And my teacher is soo smart too- Monday is the day where most of the SAM students come back to school! And there is bound to be people singing, so it would rain and people would not get to go out and they will stay in the cafeteria and there will be more and more and more people watching us embarass ourselves! Nooooooo...

Damn, now I realise that I have Katagelophobia - fear of being ridiculed- too. Will there ever be an end to my phobias?

Anyway, I have to admit that I am lucky to not have Geliophobia. Can you imagine being afraid of laughter? Whoever that is afraid of laughter will have a tough time being in my class and would have surely died of fright today during Public Speaking class as we were laughing non-stop. I had tears running down my cheeks. ("Suddenly the cicak on the wall is so attractive! Suddenly the pattern on the floor is so intriguing! Oh no, I'm lopsided and obese!" LOL!!)

BUT, I thank GOD AND ALL THE ANGELS ABOVE that I do not have Heterophobia- which is fear of the opposite sex. Oh Lord, life would be horrible, terrible, torturous. Where will I get my fun? What is there to look forward to during the long, deadly hours of college? Who cares about clothes as there's no one to impress? The questions go on.

Guys will be crushed if they have genophobia- fear of sex. They will be subjects of ridicule all their lives. Die a virgin at age 81 (I heard that without sex, you can't live long- is this true? If so, I guess it should be 'Die a virgin at age 45', hehe).

Genuphonia is a fear of knees. Mwahaha- knees. That's pretty funny.
Satanophobia is the fear of Satan. That's pretty understandable. No one would respond with calm when someone with horns, tails and a pitched fork appears in front of you surrounded by a ring of fire, while condemning you to a lifetime in Hell.

But to prove that life is pretty unfair and that God has a sense of humour- the fear of long words is called hippopotomonstrossesquippedaliophobia.

(Fears taken from Real Fears. I didn't make them up, heh.)

Firth Obsession

Tuesday, June 10, 2003
6:09 PM

Ever since my first viewing of the movie 'Bridget Jones' Diary', I've been having somewhat of a crush on the guy that plays Mark Darcy i.e. Colin Firth.

He's not really the type of guy I usually form celebrity crushes on but OMG, he has got so much of eccentric charm. I've watched BJD over 5 times I think, and the movie just gets better everytime I see it mainly because of how the 3 main actors carry their roles.

Anyway, back to Colin Firth. So yeah as I said, he's not the type of guy I usually form celebrity crushes on. My past celebrity crushes have included people like Paul Walker, Tobey Maguire, Olivier Martinez, Justin Timberlake (shut up!), etc. People who are incredibly blessed with looks. He is not conventionally good-looking when you first see him but he just gets to you, y'know?

He's so very talented too!! He's funny in 'The Importance of Being Earnest', quietly evil in 'Conspiracy' and sympathetic in 'The English Patient'. Oh ya he was in 'Shakespeare in Love" too as Gwyneth Paltrow's husband/boyfriend(?). Earl Wessex? And he is effing funny and sarcasting mwaha. What's not to love?

Now, because of him, I have finally read Jane Austen's book 'Pride and Prejudice' and is dying to see BBC's production of the same movie. I can't find it anywhere and it's driving me insane. I need my FIRTH!

Anyway. I just realized that some of you guys might not even know who the hell he is, eheh. Well here


Just clickety. :D




Computer complexities.


4:16 PM

So, today was the first day of my 2nd semester. I woke up at 6.30 in the morning and I had to shut my stupid Nokia up because it kept on beeping and my mom was also banging on the door as if she couldn't hear the idiot of a phone beeping away. It's kinda weird being up so early as for the past 4 weeks I have been sleeping away till noon. 2pm was my latest and I only woke up because my friend called me (yes, my phone does ring once in a while. I have a life ya know!).

Once again, I have 7 subjects. I sat for 4 subjects today I think. All were pretty cool except Computer Studies. OMG I think I will die in that course. She, the lecturer who cannot pronounce the word 'name' ('nim'), handed out the course outlines and I flipped when I saw words I couldn't understand like Secondary Storage. WHAT IS THAT? She's gonna teach us stuff like how one email from userX gets to the inbox of userY. Frankly, I don't really care how my computer performs the miracle of emailing (or even the miracle of blogging) but .. I gotta admit, it is pretty cool. I was really hoping that she would be able to teach us HTML codes and stuff (cos I really want to learn) but alas! She's refining our PowerPoint, Word and Excel skills. Actually, my Excel skills are non-existent. I've never used that program. Hee.

I really am dead, ain't I?