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Desktop Confessional

Going up.

Monday, December 15, 2003
8:30 PM

Lot 10's escalators

I initially did not want to publish this post now. I didn't think it was late enough in the year, yet, to be doing a 2003 review. I was hoping, praying even, that there would be something else waiting in store for me in late 2003, but now I realize that this year has begun to wilt and I doubt that it would ever return to glory.

It's time to move on. 2003 might as well be over for me.

So this year I entered college! Haha, what a trip. I remember late last year when I was so confused about which college to choose and more importantly, what course to do. At first, I was dying to enrol in CENFAD (a design college) with 2 of my good friends and take up a course on fashion design. I was pressuring my parents about it and I couldn't understand why they weren't so keen on it. Perhaps they knew better than I did about what would have suited me best. I was pretty damned sure that I didn't want to do A- Levels or SAM, or any of the pre-U programs being offered as it didn't interest me. I sure as hell didn't want to end up in Taylor's College. Even then at an impressionable 17, I wanted to do something else and learn in a completely different environment.

After some inquiring and some soul-searching (:D), I decided to take up a course on Mass Communications. My parents were pretty happy with that decision, and pretty sure that I would do well in the course. It was ironic. All these years I was under the belief that my parents never understood me, but it turns out that they might have understood me better than I did myself. I loved love my course and I've grown to like being in Taylor's College.

Lesson 1: don't underestimate your parents. They do more than just give you an allowance.

"So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track, faded white hats; grabbing credits and making transfers. They read all the books but they can't find the answers"

Of course, with me entering college and all, I made some new friends. Friends that I love. Friends whom, in within a year, have become people that I've grown to trust. Friends whom I shared experiences with (i.e., first real concert: LP). Friends who have been there for me and whom I hope, I have been there for. It's very unusual how the world works: throw a few people in a class with different interests and see how well they click. I can honestly say that I had the best coursemates in my first two semesters in Taylor's.

But there's always a yin to a yang. With the coming of new friends, I drifted apart from my older friends. Different courses, different colleges, and tons of assignments took a toll on our ties. In the past years, we saw and talked to each other every single day. We would often sit in a mamak and just talk. About what, I don't remember. All I remember were words, laughter, and observation. We would often observe other patrons in the mamak and try to guess how they were like personally. Best way to spend a Friday after school. This year, we got together only once. It is sad, but I suppose that's life. People change, people drift apart. Sometimes all that is left behind are memories, but I have faith in our friendship. We might not be as close as before, but we will always be friends.

Lesson 2: People come and go. That's the brutal truth. :(

"I guess when it comes down to it, being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.. these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you'll finally get it right"

In 2003, I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life. I remember when I was 7 and for some reason, every uncle and every aunt wanted to know what I wanted to do in the future, so yes, it took me 11 years to answer the question. I don't understand why anyone would want to ask a SEVEN YEAR OLD, what he or she wanted to do in their future. Is it because they do not have a single shred of imagination in their mind to think of a better question? Do they just want to be like any other relative or family friend? Why do they want to conform to the "annoying uncle/auntie" mould? The kid is 7 years old, how would he know? I would never ask a kid about his ambition because I know the answer: doctor, engineer, vet, ballet dancer. I know because these were the answers I came up with to satisfy my uncle/auntie. I would rather ask about the health of their pet, or the name of their doll.

But yes, in 2003 I found out what I wanted to do, what my ambition was; and if you knew me well enough, you would know too. I've said it several times in conversations with friends and strangers: I want to work for the Discovery Travel and Adventure Channel. It's surprising that I can be so specific on what I want, considering that just a year ago, I had no clue.

Lesson 3: I need to see the world before I die.

"Cause I remember how we drank time together, and how you used to say that the stars are forever. And day dreamed about how to make your life better by leaving town"

Looking back, these three things don't seem like they took a year to learn. They seem very obvious to me now. I have to remind myself that a year ago, I did not know these things. Before I wrote this post, I couldn't find anything particularly interesting about 2003, but now .. my whole perspective has changed. It's so scary, yet amazing, how a year can go by. How 365 days can just pass you by without you realizing. But the end is approaching, quicker than I know.

This New Year's, I'm not entirely sure where I would be. I think I'm supposed to meet up with some close friends and we were planning to have a BBQ. However, after midnight, I would be by myself again as they have their respective boyfriends/boy friend to be with. I guess I could write my resolutions. I've already written my first one, actually: I resolve to fulfill and complete every resolution I write down.

I promise that next year will be different. I will be stronger, smarter, funnier. Next year, the only way I am going is UP.

"So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits; I hope you have found a friend. Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Buzzing like neon.

Saturday, December 13, 2003
7:05 PM

Taken on that fateful Friday night

Last Friday, my friend and I had the stupidity to use the Federal Highway during rush hour. We had planned to utilise her sister's apartment's gym and then head over to Hartamas for dinner and coffee. But before we did so, she had to make a little detour to KLCC to drop off her friend.

We ended up being stuck in massive traffic for well over 2 hours. Yes, (*smacks herself*), Sarah should start using her brain more often. However, being stuck in traffic isn't the point of this post. True, I did sigh at the horrifically slow speed at which we were moving, but I was alright. I am a Malaysian: I've encountered worse traffic and even worse drivers.

Being in the car for so long, I had a lot of quiet time as my friend was entertaining her other friend whom I didn't know. I hummed and sang (softly) to the tunes on the radio; I stared at the interior of other cars and their owners; I watched as dusk turned into night.

Dusk turning into night is a beautiful sequence, no matter where you are watching it from. It doesn't matter if you're by the beach, on a hill, or stuck in traffic. The sky turns yellow, orange, red. Streaks of purple will appear and then blend in with various shades of black. Before you know it, it is night and the stars can be seen. It is truly one of the world's most spectacular sights and it is pity that we often forget its beauty.

We were soon in KL and I was reminded about how much I love the city. Even traffic jams become a thing I am willing to bear, and sometimes I even enjoy it when I am in the city. I relished how slow we were going because I could look at everything twice. I was happy because I had more time to look at the madding crowds near Petaling Street. I loved how many different people there were roaming the streets of KL.

KL was beautiful that Friday night. There were lights hung across almost every building and tree. Signboards of businesses were switched on, which added colour and personality to an otherwise unremarkable road. Hawker stalls were being set up outdoors. Tourists and locals walked together. There was a certain smell in the air... KL vibrated with life and optimism.

I longed to walk. I didn't want to be in a car, watching everything pass me by; merely a spectator. I wanted to eat outdoors too, and feel the cool night air. I wanted to take pictures of the decorative lights and of the colonial shophouses. I wanted to visit Petaling Street and get myself a fake Rolex. I wanted to be part of KL that night.

There is beauty in everything you see. Try taking a trip down to KL at night.

When you can't sleep, you should write.

Monday, December 08, 2003
5:48 PM

8 Dec 2003, 2.27 am

It's so painful when you're so sleepy and tired, but your mind would not shut down. My bones are aching and my eyes are dull and lifeless, but my mind wanders and a million thoughts jump on each other, intermingle and become a series of nonsensical sentences and scenarios.

I end up being awake until an unhealthy hour and this, especially, is torture as the last thing I want to do is think, but think is all I can do right now. My mind travels a thousand miles and over the past few days, months, years. I replay every mistake I've ever made and I see, as though in video, the best and worst moments of my life. I regret things I've said, and things I didn't say. I think and I remember until I eventually drift off to sleep.

I do love how everything is at night, but this does not mean that I enjoy being played around by my body and mind to stay up all night. Not when I feel so tired, and not when I'm stuck in my room.

"All that is gold does not glitter .. not all who wander are lost."
>> JRR Tolkien

Changing directions.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003
3:34 PM

I guess I should explain why this blog has been so deserted and empty lately. Truth is, I've discovered the beauty of my LiveJournal account. I've been spending an absurd amount of time with it lately, so most of my irrational ideas and thoughts are written down there instead.

It's hard juggling 2 journals but I'm not prepared to give up on this one so easily. Why? Sentimental values, that's all. Memories. All that jazz. So this site will still be here. Just that there will be a lot less activity.

(I'm thinking of converting this into a photojournal. Do you guys think that it's an ok idea? I'm interested in photography so I thought maybe a photojournal would be a good place to practice)

If you worry about me, or if you're just nosy (heh), you can come visit me at my LJ account: here.

&hearts, sarah.