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Desktop Confessional

The Sarah Diaries

Saturday, September 20, 2003

I read through my diary just now. I thought I would just like to add this entry in because it made me wonder- are blogs truly, purely for their owners? Meaning, is it a place where you can go unfiltered? But then again, how can you when people you love and know read it? How can you reveal everything about yourself, the bad and the worse, when the fear of being judged is constantly there?

Sarah's diary, dated 25th of August

With the existence of my blog, I realized that I have neglected to jot down my emotional thoughts. Everything so far written in my blog has been screened and censored and approved for mass consumption. But when I read back on my old diaries, they contained so much more heart, humour, paranoia, and even passion.

I don't know why I have been neglecting to write my feelings down. I used to live for it, always anticipating the middles of the nights when heart meets mind and thoughts come out as they are; in all its glory, hell hath no fury.

But now, I am writing things which I deem safe for other people to read. I always thought a blog was supposed to be for myself, but now I realize that I am even too afraid to be my total self in anonymity. I don't know what I'm afraid of. In all the confusing logic, I just forgot why I breathed in fear and expelled anxiety.

I'm sad. It's the type of sadness where at first you think, "Oh, I'm sad. Nevermind, it'll pass" and you go on living, just compressing all preplexing sadness. Perplexing, because you don't really know why you are sad in the first place. Then one day you wake up and realize that you've been a Secret Sad for a while now. It just took a little time for you to realize that the occasional stinging pain of loneliness was another way your mind reminds you to do something about it.

Don't worry people. I'm ok now. I did something about it.

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