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Desktop Confessional

Thinking ahead of me

Tuesday, September 30, 2003
11:03 PM

You know when too much studying has gotten to you. You start hearing songs and wondering if anyone will write a song for you. Ever.

Today's unfortunate object of my affection is this song *points below*. When I leave for New York (one day, eventually), I wonder if anyone, be it girl or guy, would miss me.

Maybe it's just Rob Thomas' voice, I don't know. Amazing song though. And now I have to go back to studying. Blah.

"Bright Lights" by matchbox twenty

She got out of town
On a railway, New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien out on Broadway

Some things in this world you just can't change
Some things you can't see until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world?
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you,
You should turn yourself around and come on home

I got a hole in me now
I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city

Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need until they leave you...
They're the things that you miss

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world?
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you,
You should turn yourself around and come on home

Let that city take you in (come on home)
Let that city spit you out (come on home)
Let that city take you down...
For God's sake, turn around

Laughter at a restaurant

Thursday, September 25, 2003
9:25 AM

So yesterday marked the end of the nightmare that was the Public Speaking Finals. The lecturer commented that she was slightly disappointed at our performances but not too worry, she said, no one will dip below a C. I hope I manage a B+ or an A-. I don't want my entire CGPA to go down because of one lousy speech on my behalf.

After receiving the disappointing news from our lecturer, my friends and I decided to have an early dinner together and mope about our speeches and how scared we were about the results (out this Friday). Somewhere along the conversation, we started talking about horror movies and I heard the funniest thing in a while that totally cheered me up.

You know the Hollywood version of 'The Ring'? Yes, no? Well anyway. There's this part in 'The Ring', perhaps in the last 15 minutes of the show, where the lead actor is all happy and secure in thinking that the horror is over. So he's making coffee or something and then his TV switches on by itself. He turns in slow-mo and we see on his screen, a well. And of course Samara stars crawling from the depths of the well, through his TV screen and then on his floor. He just stands there, numb, not quite believing that he is about to die. And we get to see one of Samara's green, evil eyes and we get to see him recoiling in fear and then we all know what happened next.

So my friend. one fine night, was watching this movie with her brother. They were at the said part when suddenly, the DVD experiences difficulties and stops RIGHT THERE. Yes right there- right at the part where Samara crawls out and we get a shot of her evil, ugly face.

Her brother, who she labeled as a little cowardly, freaked out and said "Oh my God. I think we are going to die in a week." She, being braver, laughed and said "No no.. sure nothing!", and she rewinds the DVD. They watch the crawling part and AGAIN, it stops.

Her brother, even freaked out by now, exclaimed "SEE! SEE! WHY DID YOU REWIND! Now we'll die earlier!! AGUGH!" So she, now thoroughly scared because of her brother's I'm-sure-we're-dying attitude, begins to freak out slightly too. So both, convinced that they are both gonna die within a week, gets a wee bit paranoid.

Like, for one: they found their younger brother watching 'The Ring' the next day and screamed at him, "WHY! WHY ARE YOU SIMPLY WATCHING MOVIES?!". And the innocent one merely wondered what the hell is up with his older siblings.

Two: They were afraid of answering the phone the entire week and kept pushing each other toward the phone when it rang.

Three: SHE WROTE A WILL. Photo albums to her then boyfriend, and her favourite duck to her best friend, money to her younger brother. After she wrote the will (hahahaha), she told her boyfriend, "Hey.. if anything happens to me like in a week or so, there's a letter in my drawer. Can you show it to my parents..."

Of course she didn't die. I would have been laughing with a ghost then. It was just great to let out a genuine, no-holds-barred laugh when I was feeling crappy. Thanks Teng :)


Monday, September 22, 2003
6:30 PM

OKAY, it's confirmed- Linkin Park is coming over to Kuala Lumpur.

Ticket prices are at RM127, RM102 and RM82 at Stadium Merdeka. Ticket outlets would be revealed earliest by next week.

So how people? I want to go but I don't want to go alone.

Think about it- it's probably the first and last time a credible rock group will be gracing our shores. Don't miss out!!

Email me or leave comments if interested so we can all go as one big happy group. :) *so excited*

The Sarah Diaries

Saturday, September 20, 2003
1:14 PM

I read through my diary just now. I thought I would just like to add this entry in because it made me wonder- are blogs truly, purely for their owners? Meaning, is it a place where you can go unfiltered? But then again, how can you when people you love and know read it? How can you reveal everything about yourself, the bad and the worse, when the fear of being judged is constantly there?

Sarah's diary, dated 25th of August

With the existence of my blog, I realized that I have neglected to jot down my emotional thoughts. Everything so far written in my blog has been screened and censored and approved for mass consumption. But when I read back on my old diaries, they contained so much more heart, humour, paranoia, and even passion.

I don't know why I have been neglecting to write my feelings down. I used to live for it, always anticipating the middles of the nights when heart meets mind and thoughts come out as they are; in all its glory, hell hath no fury.

But now, I am writing things which I deem safe for other people to read. I always thought a blog was supposed to be for myself, but now I realize that I am even too afraid to be my total self in anonymity. I don't know what I'm afraid of. In all the confusing logic, I just forgot why I breathed in fear and expelled anxiety.

I'm sad. It's the type of sadness where at first you think, "Oh, I'm sad. Nevermind, it'll pass" and you go on living, just compressing all preplexing sadness. Perplexing, because you don't really know why you are sad in the first place. Then one day you wake up and realize that you've been a Secret Sad for a while now. It just took a little time for you to realize that the occasional stinging pain of loneliness was another way your mind reminds you to do something about it.

Don't worry people. I'm ok now. I did something about it.

Going down in flames

Friday, September 12, 2003
8:49 PM

you'll be so jaded!
you are burnout personified.
rich and succesful,
stressed and overworked.
you loathe men and relationships
with every fiber of your being.

What will you be like 10 to 15 years from now? (girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Lord. What is this (or meh lei keh)? I do not loathe men or relationships. I'm just a little afraid of them at times. But who isn't? Well, I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I will be rich and successful, heh.

So hello people. How was your week? Mine was hectic, filled to the brim with assignments and various presentations. But the week's over, and so is the workload. I relish the fact that I only have less than 5 more presentations and only one more written assignment to hand in.

The end of the semester is upon us all. I wonder how it all went so fast.

I have to remind myself everyday that it has only been nine months since I was a Mass Comm. student. It feels like I am in my second year. I suppose that is what breaking up the months into semesters can do to a person who still posesses secondary school mentality. They brought in the 'major confirmation' paper today. We're supposed to check if our major is stated correctly, or change the major if we wanted to. I passed the paper on to my friend. I haven't decided yet between Journalism or Advertising. I have until the 26th (I think) of this month. Time for some self-questioning.

My finals are less than 3 weeks away, and after that I am on a break for 3 months (!). I have some stuff planned, but I won't say anything until it's final and I am actually going to do what I am going to do.

My Public Speaking finals, on the other hand, is about 10 days away. I am freaking out. My topic is David Blaine, inspired by what a DJ said one day while I was on my way back from college. As the world and you might already know, Blaine is currently attempting a 44-day survival thing in a plexiglass 7 ft. by 7 ft. box, dangled above the Thames River (if I am right). Apparently, Londoners have taken into disturbing Blaine by throwing eggs and golf balls to wake him up.

Speaking of survival- Survivor 7 is premiering in the US next week! I don't know when they are showing it here but I hope it is soon. After the Amazing Race ended, I am in a reality-TV wasteland. I love reality TV. Perfectly normal people acting perfectly insane on screen, in front of millions. It's nice when you get to see some unscripted idiocy on screen. It makes it all look credible.

John Mayer's new album is not out in Malaysia yet. GRRR. Just when I thought that I would finally have the chance to purchase a new CD- it has not arrived! So, now I have to go back into downloading some of his new songs, but not all because I like to be surprised.

Plus side, going to a play this weekend. Part of my cultural education, no doubt. So far I've only gone for performances at Istana Budaya (classy place), and that was for "Fame" and "The Merchant of Venice". "Fame" was excellent, had a lot of appeal that anyone could enjoy. "The M.O.V" had amazing acting but I haven't read the play before (only Shakespeare work I have read is "Macbeth") so that made it a wee bit difficult for me to really appreciate the language and all.

Dirty secret: I am playing stalker. I have discovered a number of blogs by friends whom I have not spoken to in a while by clicking on random links. It's quite scary because I go in, act all "Oh my Lord- it's (enter name)!", read parts of their life and then LEAVE. As quietly as I got in. I wouldn't want someone to be doing that to me. Ugh- vulnerability, exposure.

It's too much.

"When you gonna make up your mind cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses are still in bed. I tell you that I'll always want you near..you say that things change my dear.."
>>Tori Amos, "Winter"

No paragraphs

Saturday, September 06, 2003
2:49 PM

I don't know what to write. Inspiration has left me and all I have now are random thoughts. I am not sure if anyone's interested in them but type them down I will. You are in my blog. You must care. A little?

Am going to chop off about 2 inches from my hair later this afternoon. I hate my hair now. It's just ... long. And layered. It's uninspired and styleless. I'm going to go short, once again.
Have a new online journal. Check it out. Don't worry, this one still remains my baby.
Haven't bought a CD in over one bleeding year. I don't know how I let this happen! But John Mayer's "Heavier Things" is coming out this 9th so that will break this vicious .. cycle? No. Trail. I don't know. I need a thesaurus.
War is destructive. Sex and love isn't. Why is it that war movies get shown in Malaysia without too much censorship but one passionate kiss is completely cut out from a movie?
I want to do the "100 things about me" thing but I know that there aren't 100 things remotely interesting about me that would make someone read through it all.
Am on a diet. Started on Wednesday. Ate sandwiches two dinners in a row, except yesterday's. Had mee hoon sup. And durians! I even said no to Baskin Robbins, Delifrance's garlic bread and (sob!) Starbucks.
"I am the Napster"- The Italian Job. Movies like these makes me want to leave my quiet life of a student and dip my hands in other people's pocket. In a smooth, charming, Danny Ocean kinda way. Common thieves are disgusting.
Jessica Alba's body in her new movie 'Honey' is amazing.
Joaquin Phoenix is now my current obsession. This guy is so talented.
I wish I had a car so I could drive it around and pick up friends and go places. I feel like driving to Port Dickson and staying there to watch the sunset, have a seafood dinner and then come back to KL again. Anyone?
I've been watching trailers all day. I really want to see 'My Life without Me'. It looks like a chick flick and I love chick flicks! All my best girls and a box of tissues. Leave the house feeling like you need a boyfriend only to wake up the next day knowing you can't handle one.
I wonder where I put all the books I started but never finished. I also wonder where I put all my poems. I hardly write anymore.
Assignments in abundance. I have my Public Speaking Finals on Sept 25th. Can anyone give me an interesting topic?. It's very important.
I cherish solitude and loneliness. There's no one at home besides myself.
Goo Goo Dolls. How come I don't own any of their albums even though I like every single song they've released?
I really should start on my assignment.

"And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was and I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted; and all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me."
>>Goo Goo Dolls, "Sympathy"

Across the universe

Tuesday, September 02, 2003
5:50 PM

"Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe.."

My brother and I do not have very thought provoking conversations. We usually talk about music, movies, the local school idiot and about Starbucks' Rhumba Frappucino (sp.?). But last night, while both of us were looking at Mars (still visible!), we started talking about the universe.

I wondered, out loud, if it were possible that there are 10 planets out there, that there is one beyond Pluto. He looked at me and said, "No, not in our solar system anyway. But God knows how many solar systems are out there. I mean the universe is infinite, it never ends." I told him that it was scary, to have something exist and never end. Can anyone imagine it?

Endless. Perpetual. Forever. Perennial.

It's like a novelist writing a masterpiece, an epic of a story and then is indecisive about how it should end. He leaves it, waits for his muse to inspire him- to provide him with an ending that would not disappoint the rest of the story.

Do you think the universe is forever? I don't. It's just a theory, I believe, and there is no proof. I know it doesn't make much of an argument- to say one thing to be false just because there isn't proof. The universe is colossal, maybe there is an end but just too far away for anyone to reach. Does that make sense?

I just cannot fathom the concept of something ... so enduring. I want to believe that everything that begins has to end. Like life (physical, not spiritual). I certainly would not want to be an immortal. I cannot imagine torture more agonizing than to have to live forever, not finding truth in cliched phrases like, "Life is short- live it to the fullest" or "Carpe Diem". Because, how can you truly enjoy life with the knowledge that you have enough time to do everything? I can't. Lack of time is one of the most effective catalyst for me. It makes me shut up and actually do something. If I were ever given the luxury of time, I would never have completed anything. And this, I think, contradicts the notion that more time results in better work.

So now, if everything has to end- how do I feel about the end of the world?

Sad. Very sad. Science makes it up to be something very factual, and very logical. Life on Earth has to end, they say. "The Sun will eventually burn up the Earth." The only comfort we have is that by that time, organic life will be irrelevant, they say. I will be dead by then but I still wonder how Earth will be like when the day comes. I wonder if we would have already set up civilization on some other planet to escape the end. Or whether we would all be praying to our gods, sinners and saints together.

Universe, you facsinate me. If only I can tell you how much I am disappointed that I will never be an astronaut and find myself physically among the stars. If only you can see how much I long to see galaxies; galaxies that swirl with a million colours. The most breathtaking beauty I know, even though its beauty is something I have not personally seen. What I have now are images from films, but beggers cannot be choosers and I am happy with that alternative.

"Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes, they call me on and on across the universe.."
>> The Beatles, "Across the Universe"