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Desktop Confessional

Celebrate the fear!

Friday, August 29, 2003
9:34 PM

My five-day Merdeka weekend began today. I am happy but so dulled with the thought of doing absolutely nothing this Merdeka. It pains me to no end that even on a celebration, I have to assume the role of a 10 year old, stuck at home with parents who will no doubt be watching all manner of celebrations through the TV set. Brings back memories of my painfully boring Millennium celebration 3 years ago. It was me, my brother and my cousin standing on the balcony watching the fireworks being set off at Sunway Lagoon (I can see Sunway from my balcony). An occasion that happens once every thousand years and I spent it on my balcony! I then lied to my friends that I spent it at some happening place and then changed the subject abruptly.

Speaking of my cousin, he called me today and asked the most hilarious, but very puzzling, question I have been asked in awhile. He called and told me he was in Sungei Wang, and if there was a place that sold dildo(es). I laughed out loud before he laughed along (nervously) but insisted on a clarification of the famed-dildo-selling place. I replied, yes it's called I Need House and no, I don't know where it is, please look at the directory.

The world is so preoccupied with sex! Everywhere I go, it's just sex, sex, sex. I wonder if it's a guy thing but I figure no, because I think about sex too, but maybe not within a 6 seconds span. Only everytime I watch Justin Timberlake gyrate on MTV. Or Colin Farrell running along the beach in the movie S.W.A.T. I definitely don't think of sex when I see this:

Look, tongue!

Ugh, Britney. This is such a transparent and obvious publicity stunt. You think she would be a little smarter and go kiss Madonna in some club and let the paparazzi take unauthorized snapshots and sell it to tabloids. At least there would exist an element of mystery about whether she really did kiss Madonna, much like the Drew Barrymore-Heather Graham kiss-or-not issue. Now everything is just too blatant and moms everywhere will throw a fit if their little girl starts listening to Bad Britney.

I am so inane, I'm sorry. I just had a really annoying day. My dad has seven fishes and I am afraid of each and every one of them. He bought some little fishes as food for his bigger fishes last night and kept them in this seperate aquarium. I don't know why, perhaps the little fishes smelt death, but today they started jumping out of their tiny aquarium. 5 leapt out and when I got upstairs they were all lying lifeless on the floor and one was still jumping. I got so freaked out to the extent that I screamed. It was a few minutes later when I decided to get the broom and sweep the dead bodies away. I would NOT touch them, not even with a tissue. I am just so morbidly afraid of fishes, of any kind. And rats. Also, actually, ghosts. I envy my dad because he just picked up a dead fish from the floor (I missed that one) and tossed it into the aquarium of the bigger fish. Without worry, without fear- just like that.

Jealousy for my dad's fearless behaviour burns in me.

"I am colorblind, coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am..fine.">>Counting Crows

Faces, places, lack of space(s)

Tuesday, August 26, 2003
8:09 PM

I had, probably, the most hectic weekend this entire year (ugh, lack of life) and I have not blogged about it until today.

It started with Friday evening, I guess. I came back at 3pm and wanted to go to the hairdresser because I noticed my split-ends. Reached there and was politely told by the manageress (in bad English) that I would have to wait an hour before they could attend to me because the place was packed. Said no, rushed home and started to get ready for dinner and Bangsar later. Came home at 2-something in the a.m and flopped to bed, completely tired and weary from the whole of Friday and the several hours of early Saturday morning.

I woke up in the afteroon, recovering from the accumulated lack of sleep of the entire week. Spent about 2 hours at home before I realized I had to get ready for the Battle of the Bands later at college. I was already ready and gung-ho about the whole battle when I received a call from Angelyn that Yi Wen and her cousins had to utilise my house (again, LOL!) because they had just got back from Sunway Pyramid. So, after they had got ready and stuff, we went for some dinner before attending the battle. We thought we were late because it was already 7 p.m but the infamous 'Malaysian Time' struck again- the battle started at 8 p.m instead.

The BotB was, well. I would have to say that it was pretty much okay and alright. The crowd was really enthusiastic about it and I supposed that that was the good, and also the bad, part. Okay let me get into concert-reviewer mode..

It amused me that the bands were trying so hard to get the crowd jumping by playing really loud and fast tracks. Though I have no problems with said tracks, it didn't give me any sort of good vibrations hearing those tracks being played because most of songs lacked soul. The songs felt empty, like there wasn't much passion poured into the song by performers. It felt like the performers did not really connect with the songs, the meanings of the songs, the overall 'feel' of the songs- but rather, were more interested in 'dazzling' the audience with their skills- singing (non-existent), jumping with guitars, acting all bad-ass, playing instruments (the members of this one jazzy band was good here).

The crowd was an interesting one. They pretty much loved every song played and the only time they acted like idiots and with complete disrespect for the performers was when this one Japanese-inspired band came onto the stage with typically dyed-hair. I admit, I let out a "oh my Lord" and a shake of my head when I saw them on stage but I admired them because they dared to play to a completely different audience. Everyone was making lame-ass, wise-ass remarks like "Go back to Japan!" as if anyone could hear (or be bothered with) their statements. It irks me to no end because I find them obnoxious and attention-seeking. The only reason why they are acting like that was because they hoped people will hear their statements and consider them funny, and laugh along with it, making themselves look cool or whatever. Hello. Who's the loser now?

So after about 3 hours or so of making "rock on" signs (wahaha) and bouncing to some of the songs I have decided that I:
1) Hate rap-rock
2) Think Metallica is good, but over-rated
3) Despise leather pants, especially on scrawny legs. Well actually, leather pants on any type of leg is a no-no. Look at the horror that is Scott Strapp (of Creed)
4) Wonder how people can jump to most of the songs, even though some were so fucking horrible on the ears.
5) Am afraid of excessive pushing, pulling, jumping, moshing- if moshing was what it was that night. My plans of going to Big Day Out, Lollapalooza, etc. have been cancelled until courage decides to pay me a visit

The winner was Voices of Depression (that has got to be one of the corniest band names ever), whose performance I don't remember. I guess at that time I didn't think they stood out as the songs they played sounded similar to most that was already played. We went for mamak later and I guess the awkwardness that hung in the air between us and Yi Wen's cousins finally evaporated because we all could finally talk. They are leaving soon and this saddens me a little because I have only known them for such a short time. It was nice to discover that someone likes Colin Firth as much as I do; and is as obsessive over Coldplay as I am.

But people come and go I suppose. Another intricate yet melancholic element that adds perplexity to life.

Emotional Landscapes

Monday, August 18, 2003
3:39 PM

  • The Good

  • I took those pictures last Saturday, on my way to Yi Wen's BBQ shindig. It was a really picturesque ride and it felt really fun being there with my friends, cracking inane jokes in the car and singing along to Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", among other songs.

    Rides seem to pass so quickly when you have good music and good company. Unlike my rides to Seremban with my parents. The radio will be switched on to Light and Easy and my dad and I will be arguing about the finer poins of appreciating each other's musical interests.

    The BBQ was fun, the food did not cause mass diarrhea. Waking up at 3am and making maggi mee was an experience. Sorry for the extreme blurness of the photos.

  • The Bad

  • Wasn't there a song called "I Don't Like Mondays"? Whoever said that sure knew what he was talking about. There's some sort of epidemic going around in class I think. Everyone's falling ill, coughing here and there, assuming the role of flies (disease spreaders). Heh, I'm joking Piaree, Angie, May Lyn. I hope you guys are feeling okay. You have to feel okay! I really want you guys to be there for Friday. I mean, at least for the dinner. Oh yes, all my readers are invited to come clubbing with me. Haha. Unless you are stalking me. Then don't. Because it's scary. I mean.. ok, I'm rambling. This post is on its way to induce some serious boredom. I'm so sorry.

    Monday sucks. Not only is it the first day of the week (I never considered Sunday the first day), today I got back my Communication Research results. I think everyone did pretty badly when compared to last semester. Everyone seemed to have dipped in their grades a little. Gah, so frustrating. Apparently 80% got below 10 (over 40) for IMC (!!!). According to Matthew. Oh God I am so scared. I need to maintain my grades if I want to cling on to the small, small, microscopic percentage of me actually going off to study in the US.

    Some bitch hit Yi Wen's car today. It wasn't her fault at all. We were just sitting in the car, stationary, talking about something when we heard a "thump" sound. And then a brown Proton Saga sped off. Ugh, Malaysian drivers are really the worse in the world.

  • The Quite Interesting

  • Linkin Park is coming to Malaysia on October 15th. Haha yes! I quite like Linkin Park, and it's been a LONG time since any band came down to Malaysia. Coldplay went to Singapore, RHCPeppers went to Singapore. I am beginning to get very jealous of our neighbours. So Linkin Park coming down to Malaysia is good, very good. All my readers are invited to come with me. Haha. Unless you are stalking me. Then don't. Because it's scary. I mean..ooh. I already said this. I think secretly I want someone to stalk me. Anyway, Stadium Merdeka. Anyone interested? It's pogo time!

    Listening to Linkin Park "Nobody's Listening". (haha, that sentence is amusing me)

    Dedicated to Quin

    Wednesday, August 13, 2003
    8:07 PM

    Right after I posted yesterday's entry, the electricity went off around my area. I sat staring at the blank computer screen, thanking everything above me that I already posted. No-electricity agony is something I choose over just-typed-a-hell-lot-but-alas-did-not-save agony. So I walked down the stairs in a considerably foul, but no worse than if I did not save the post, mood and cursed about Tenaga to my amused mother.

    It was stifling hot in my house. It threathened to rain earlier but did not and I wished that it did so badly. I sat on the couch for a while, staring at the row opposite my house which had electricity. Its windows with light pouring out seemed to be mocking me and my darkened house. This dead object of a house was brutally severing my mood with its yellow glow and the idea of ceiling fans spinning around pleasantly in living rooms. Then there was me- sitting grumpily on the couch, fanning myself with a brochure and letting out a curse word or two every five minutes.

    After I decided that I could no longer stand the humidity in my house, I walked out and started pacing around in my garden. It was much cooler outside and I think I rounded my entire garden about ten times. I then realized that I have not collected the mail (my responsibility around the house) since last Monday because I was too preoccupied with my exams. So, I checked my mail, dragged all its contents out and starting going through it.

    I saw this unusual, un-envelope-like object in a plastic bag mixed with all the bill notices and such. I opened the plastic bag and discovered an envelope with my name written on it, written in a handwriting that I remember and associated with Form 5 and of the colour purple.

    It was a card, a birthday card, and the un-envelope-like object was a cassette. My friend Quin had dropped it into my mailbox a few days ago, I assumed. I was surrounded by darkness (literally) but yet, I found so much to smile about.


    My deaaaaaaaaaar Quin (if you are reading this):
    Thank you so much for the present. It was very unexpected and it came at a time of great trials and tribulation (an exaggeration but hehe, bear with me!). I'm really touched that you remembered my birthday, and I feel really guilty that I did not remember yours until yesterday. Really, really. But I know it was on the 9th- I remember that. I wished I could just blame my forgetfulness on exams but I know that's pretty lame. So all I can do is offer my apology and my thanks to you for being sooooo sweet! Luv ya! I know, it's pretty sad that we don't talk much anymore but hey- at least we still talk. It might not measure up to the conversations we had during the extreme wasteland of boredom that was Biology, or the extreme difficulty that was Add Maths (where I will be doing most of the talking- asking you how to do this and that). It might not even measure up to the non-verbal interaction we had during the silent period of Chemistry (silent! Because if we uttered one word Pn. Rogayah would have turned towards us and forced us to answer a question), but I am still happy that we are not acting like complete strangers. I'm sure we will have a chance to sit down and have a chat one of these days. Until then, I want to wish you a Happy Belated Birthday! And ... *hugs* You're such a great friend. This entry is for you, Quin.

    Universal Mistakes

    Tuesday, August 12, 2003
    6:54 PM

    Last week, I found myself at a shortage of paper because I used most of it to revise for my exams. So I ventured out and purchased myself a notepad which had my zodiac sign on it as well as an illustration of the Leo constellation.

    I found myself gazing at the cover every now and then, marvelling at how astrologers/astronomers can pick out constellations amongst the sea of stars above, where as to me everything were just random positions on a black blanket. I was amazed at how precision and science had such a contributing factor in something as beautiful as stars, an object which I never associated with logic but rather that of legends, myths and magic. I still love going out to the balcony on a cloudless night with the intention of soaking in its beauty while making up stories that could shock all the knights of the Round Table.

    However, like everything else in the world, too much gazing and admiring got me thinking (egad!) about how, to me, the constellation really, really did not resemble a lion at all. To my untrained eyes, I saw no mane, I saw no tail, I saw no head. What I saw .. well. I saw a llama.

    I saw a striking resemblance in those two pictures. I laughed silently to myself over my insane imagination but then I started to really wonder if there was any possible way that someone back then screwed up. I'm sure whoever found the Leo constellation was human and as human, was bound to make mistakes. Could it be that the proud, regal, attention-seeking image people associated with Leos was fake? Was it just a big lie to gratify millions of astrology-believers out there that the Leonine qualities they so want to have in themselves was a fluke? That they were never King of the Jungle, but a mere llama?

    Being a Leo myself, I would like to think that I was like what astrology books say about me: energetic, free and independant. But now any hope I had on these qualities being mine is under serious, serious questioning and doubt. They say Leos like to lead and I certainly can't. Most of the time I think I am a follower, not a trend-setter. As a Leo, I'm supposed to be dramatic and love conflict. Well, I might like drama but I certainly cannot handle conflict. I hate getting into arguments and fights in a public place. The only time I ever sounded anyone off (it was a bitch in school whom I was seriously pissed with), I ended up in tears because I got so caught up in the emotions swirling around me. Needless to say, I came off looking the weaker side although I was supposed to be the one who would produce heart-piercing one-liners that could crush my opponent's self-esteem. It was supposed to be my turn to shine but I ended up fading even more.

    So I think all this time, I was a llama and never a lion. I am a llama, an animal which no one really knew existed and is constantly being laughed at for looking goofy. I am on the same team as aardvark (refer to picture below) and wombat (refer to picture below). See, I bet none of you actually knew what those animals were, hah. Point proven. It's time for me to watch less of "The Lion King" and more of "The Emperor's New Groove".

    Maybe astrologers and astronomers need to closely look at the Leo constellation again and rename it Llama. They will have to change a hell lot of books in the process but all for the purpose of knowledge and truth, no doubt. And no doubt I will get a mention for being the person who discovered a centuries-old mistake and my name will be glorified and immortalized in books!

    "The Leo constellation is a constellation which has come under many conflicts and arguments; the most important theory is that of Sarah Chan who argued that it was a llama, and not a lion so often and wrongfully perceived by many."

    (Hey. I think I am a Leo after all.)

    This is an aardvark
    This is a wombat

    And this is a public service announcement brought to you by Sarah in an effort to create an awareness for aardvarks and wombats.

    Trailer trash

    Wednesday, August 06, 2003
    1:49 PM

    Exam week:

    1)A week of perspiration even though you are sitting in an ice-cold hall.
    2)Of futile glances at the clock every two minutes to see how much longer you have to stay in ice-cold hall.
    3)Of midnight oils being burned until 2am, and of much groaning amidst incessant knocking at bedroom door at 6.30am.
    4)Of wanting to blog, but never finding time or the right words to...

    ..except now. Thank God. I thought I was going through another dreaded writer's block.

    Monday: wrote like a young politician (or reformist, actually) for Communication Research exam. Started going on about Marxist theories and how the system is filled with conflict and contradictions, status quo being threathened and production of meanings. It was dead fun playing the part of opinionated lay-dee in writing but, I don't think I can do that for long. I'll leave the title of Miss Guevara to Meesh *winks*.

    Tuesday: today. Wahaha. Computer Studies was so easy. But was kinda annoyed that I got dressed and ready so early to attend one exam that lasted for only an hour. Ish.

    And so here I am, ignoring the fact that I haven't studied for tomorrow's exam and downloading movie trailers as medicine for severe movie-watching malnourishment. Trailers are amazing- they make an entire movie seem so interesting and cool just by using clever snippets of the film and adding in popular music (I realized Michelle Branch's music is played A LOT in trailers) in the background. And then you get all excited and can't wait to watch the movie, and soon, you do. But then the harsh reality of Hollywood kicks in and you realize that you've fallen victim to cunning marketing and promoting strategies. O well. Take it as a life lesson to never watch anything with slapstick as its main source of humour anymore.

    It's quite sad to watch trailers which begin with proclamations of all the awards the actors starring in the show have won. It's not sad because it's an overdone tactic to catch a viewer's attention, it's sad when this happens (from the upcoming movie 'Stuck on you'):
    Academy Award Winner Matt Damon
    Academy Award Nominee Greg Kinnear
    Academy Award Winner Cher
    in a film directed by four time Academy Award watchers The Farrely Brothers (lol)

    It makes you sympathise with Kinnear, being surrounded by all those overachievers. I know the reason for all these award announcements is to highlight the amount of talent in the movie, but what I really notice is the glaring difference between "WINNER" and "NOMINEE".

    SO, after aimlessly downloading trailers for over an hour already, I have decided that I have to watch these few movies:
  • Elf, starring the one and only Will Ferrel! About how one day a baby crawled into Santa's bag of goodies and was raised as an elf until he grew to the height of 6 feet. The elf returns to New York- mayhem follows, Ferrel style.

  • The Incredibles, the new animation from Disney-Pixar about an old, over the hill, superhero. Bound to be funny: trailer was about the guy trying to fit into his leather superhero costume with wife in the background saying, "Honey, dinner's ready."

  • Stuck on You

  • Scary Movie 3, wahaha. Sorry. I have to watch this because it makes fun of other movies. I love parodies. This movie is filled with cameos- Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Queen Latifah, Ja Rule, Michael Jackson... impersonator? I couldn't tell from the trailer.

  • GAH. Look at the time. Have to go brutalize my brain with Audience Studies now.

    Right after I finish watching (again) Triumph, the comic insult dog, make a mockery of 'Star Wars' fans.

    Maniacal ups and downs

    Saturday, August 02, 2003
    4:35 PM

    Woke up extremely early for a Saturday (9am) because was so excited of the prospect on going shopping. As it was my birthday yesterday, my mom promised me that I would have a bigger budget to go shopping with. Got dressed and ready and left for KLCC around 10-ish in the am to beat the morning, as well as the shopping, crowd.

    KLCC was more than usually crowded today because of the Nationwide sales. I really, really, really, really wanted one of the Topshop jeans that are never on sale and cost about RM203 and I thought today would be the day to get it as it had an ocassion and all. But being me, I like walking around before finally deciding on what to buy. I considered the fact that KLCC lacked Ms Selfridge (also very nice jeans) so I thought that we should head out to Midvalley instead. My brother agreed cos he wanted to get those 'trucker' caps that are so popular nowadays.

    So after beating the rain and traffic jam, got to Midvalley. After walking around looking at other shops, reached my favourite part of the mall- Ms Selfridge, Topshop and Dorothy Perkins. Went into MS, and after choosing, bought 2 singlets. Wanted to get earrings but I thought I would come back later.

    However. The moment I stepped out of MS, I realized that Topshop was plunged in darkness. Walked in and smelled the unmistakable odour of burning plastic. Yes. Something was fused or something blew up. The sales assistants promptly asked us to leave the shop and then subsequently, they closed it down.

    I was going to cry, really. I wanted the jeans SO, SO badly and was so eager to get my own pair (finally) and then- the shop had to have an accident. After that, was just really depressed. MY brother, whose birthday was last month and whose birthday received a bloody electric guitar, went and bought brand new Converse shoes costing RM200. Me, who was the reason of shopping in the bloody first place, bought two tops that went up to the grand total of RM50. Fucking go figure. Plus, the MNG top that I was eyeing and resisted to buy until my birthday arrived, didn't turn out the way I thought it would. It was so low that you could see half my breasts. As a result of so much shock and disappointment (heh), I whineyly asked my mom to just get the hell home. On the way home, I got a migraine. (Still having one now)

    What a pathetic 18th birthday. I really hate my reality. I already finished the book I was given yesterday (Charles Webb's 'New Cardiff'. Being adapted into a movie called 'Hope Springs' starring the lovely Colin Firth) and NOW. NOW it seems like I have to study despite my pounding head.

    Listening to Simple Plan 'Perfect'