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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Wants. Needs. Desires.

Friday, July 18, 2003

It's the weekend again. That Father Time (FT) is one mean bastard.

I get very paranoid when I look at the posts on my blog. I remember the last time it was the weekend very well. Freaks me out that the weekend's here again. Freaks me out even more to realize that time is quietly passing me by without me even noticing it. It's like when you're walking home from college- now, that's a delicate matter. It's an emotional matter. One, you're depressed because it's hot and the walk is uphill. Then, you feel ugly because you're sticky from sweat. Finally, you're pissed because cars are whizzing past you with their passengers all comfortable in their air-conditioned, leather-seated accident machines.

What has walking home from college got to do with time? I don't know. It's one of my stupid, meaningless symbolisms. I guess.. in my head, I'm thinking: I'm struggling to reach home, my destination- my wishes and ambitions- and FT is being a jerk by speeding in his Mercedes and mocking me. FT is merciless, he doesn't care that you're a paranoid almost-18-year old who thinks her wants in life will never be realized and is under the impression that she will end up a fat, bored housewife in 30 years time (sound familiar, Lyn?).

Yeah. I'm paranoid, I'm nervous and I'm worried that I'll never achieve what I want. It doesn't seem like there's enough time in my life to boost the chance of achieving what I want. I know I'm being stupidly whiny because the voice in my head is saying, "God. You're 18. You still have loads of time". I know that's true, Mr Voice.

But I can't help it. I don't think anyone can think about their future and not end up worried that they'll end up homeless, or depressed, or worse- dead at 35. I think I'm selfsh. I think I'm a dreamer. I want all my dreams to come true. *I sound like a Disney film*

I want..
1) To travel the world. I want at least 10 stamps on my international passport (not the one that allows you to travel to Singapore only). I want my home to be decorated with wooden figurines from Bali, boomerangs from Australia and a preserved ice-cube from the North Pole.

2) To study and live in New York. I want to be part of the City that Never Sleeps. What's so amazing, to me, about NY is what it says in the tagline: it never sleeps. The thought of owning an apartment high above the city, looking at all the lights while you're battling with insomnia seems.... breahtaking, even though the image was conceived in my head.

3) A relationship. What's worse than ending up as a fat, bored, housewife is ending up as a fat, bored, desperate, single maid.

"Quiet" by John Mayer
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
somehow i can't seem to find
a quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my tv screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still i can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world wakes and now i am safe
at least by the light of day

at least by the light of day

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