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QUESARAH

Desktop Confessional

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Thu Jun 26, 9.50am
Past work

I have nothing interesting to blog about these days. To make up for my lack of life (ahem), I'm gonna post a poem I wrote like, two or more years ago. It was sorta like an after effect of the Columbine High shooting, except I imagined it through the eyes of the shooter. Weird, huh? Anyway. I'm proud of it cos it's one of the few poems of mine that rhyme. Heh.

Woke up in the smog of the polluted air
But damn - why the hell should I care?
Everything else is polluted in this part of town
This part - where the sane never come around
Hardly had my shirt on when I heard
My dad cursing and slapping my mom
The door slams and another day has begun
My breakfast lies forgotten on the table
And my baby brother's crying in his cradle
Went past the kitchen and through the door
Ignoring my mom who was quivering on the floor
I learnt it was best to pretend I don't see
The pain my dad's violence is causing this family
Walking to school - I can't comprehend
When will this be over - God, please let it end!
All the times I've roamed the streets - why ain't I dead?
Desperately wanting someone to put one in my head
Fantasize all day about the day I'd die
Fuck the pain - I feel it more when I'm alive
Stumbled in late to a hell-hole they call school
Everything about me is wrong - from my hair to my shoes
All day, everyday - remarks about my color
All day, everyday - insults from one to another
Overheard - rich kids with their goddamned pressed polos
Moaning about their 'cursed' life like there's no tomorrow
They don't begin to grasp the meaning of cursed
They don't know what it feels to feel pain since birth!
What the hell do they know about life?
Have they ever been really hurt - ever dealt with strife?
Do they know how to live with a dad who's more than a little crazy?
Can they stand to see their moms crumble because of the burdens she has to carry?
They've never experienced life in the ghetto or the slums
Never felt the sting of being shunned
Never tasted the taste of poverty
... and I have never felt this fury in me
Don't know why - but my anger's boiling over
Seething - I'm running to the area of my locker
Reached inside and there I find
The cold metal of the one that'll ease my mind
Never wanted to use this - too afraid I'd get caught
Never wanted death as half my fault
But I can't stand it no more - I've reached my peak
I have to take it out - let it all go, quick
Not aiming, I shoot - and the corridor screams
A thousand feet escaping - a thousand think they're in a dream
I know now - mental disease is hereditary
I'm acting like my dad and forgetting about me
Shooting everywhere - don't care who or what I hit
There's blood on the floor but I don't give a shit
It's wonderful to release when you've kept it all in
Delirious - the sadistic joy I feel within
But it's shortlived - I feel two bullets hit my chest
Fuck the cops - they had to disturb me when I feel the best
Thought it'll hurt at least a little but I was wrong
All my caged demons - freed after so long
For the first time in my life - I think I feel fine
And a million flashbacks play in my mind
My life - an accident that I ever existed and lived
But it's okay .. I'm okay - I'm ready to forgive
My dad, my mom, Ben - all the motherfuckers in school
I'm just so sorry I had to break all the rules
So sorry that I had to commit murder - my only regrets
I can't wait to leave this world - I'm never looking back
I'm dying, I know but I still smile - no more hiding in the past
Because I finally feel .. sweet serenity and peace .. at long .. last.


...so, whatcha guys think?

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